surprisingly, it's not all in my head
Disclaimer: This is going to be a different confession for me. It's very open and was very hard for me to type. Be gentle with me. My heart is heavy and I'm struggling.
I don't have a difficult life. In fact I am very blessed. Yes I've had my share of tragedy and disappointments and hardships but for the most part life is good. I survived a horrific first marriage and life as a victim of domestic violence and now am a proud survivor. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a husband that is a good provider and treats us well. I have the option to stay at home and raise our children. I have a house I adore and live in a town that I love as well.
But me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad but I'm not happy. I'm just here. Existing. I try my best to hide it behind a smile because most days that's the only way I can cope. Besides, I've been doing it for so long now that it's become normal for me. I know this isn't normal by any stretch of the imagination but sadly it's MY normal. And it's no longer acceptable. When I am always exhausted that the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I know my children need me something needs to give. When I'm on so many medications that I have to put reminders on my phone so I remember to take them and utilize one of those ridiculous pill sorters that my parents use something needs to give.
I finally found a new doctor and realized what I knew deep down for a while now. My last doctor was an idiot (and that's putting it nicely). The new doc came highly recommended by a few neighbors that use her and she gave me a complete physical and sat and talked to me for about 40 minutes. I never felt rushed and I felt like she actually cared about me and my entire well being not just shoving more pills at me to fix whatever is wrong.
I explained how I feel like I don't actually "feel" anything anymore, how I'm always exhausted, that the only reason I get up is for my kids and that I've gained a whopping 40 pounds over the last few years. I broke down and cried and told her that I feel like a failure in everything - mom, wife, to myself, etc. There are things that I should be able to "fix" (at least in my mind I should) - like getting dinner on the table most nights (which I seriously struggle with) and other things that for most people are simply what they do every day and it's not hard but for me it has been hard and IS hard. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you can't fix it. It's not in your head, it's your meds." And then she proceeded to explain that this medication makes your mind foggy and this medication causes excessive weight gain and this medication makes you feel numb and you're too young to be on all of this (I'm 35). She then smiled and said, "You WILL feel better. I promise. We're going to fix this."
Some meds I need to be weaned off of, others have been stopped immediately and today some of the withdrawal/changes I've experienced have been pure HELL and my nerves are shot. I literally broke down and sobbed in my husband's arms because I'm so overwhelmed but I'm confident that I WILL get better, I WILL feel again and I won't be so numb to everything around me.
I follow-up with her in two months and in two months I hope to feel somewhat better because at this point I will take ANY improvement I can get.
i confess...
...that most of my days are so busy I have no idea what time it is until the alarm on my phone goes off and reminds me to walk to the bus stop to meet my son.
...that when it comes to being healthy and doing what I know I should be doing I've not been doing it.
...that I am overwhelmed with life and I have let that stop me from, well, a lot.
...that the excuses need to stop and I need to figure out my game plan. I'm meal planning. Now I need to either count calories or go back to Weight Watchers. Whatever I decide to do I need to do it and not look back. Period.*
*I wrote this post over the weekend. I re-register at Weight Watchers on Wednesday morning. Wish me luck!
fessin' up
I realize confession is good for the soul and all but I'm not really feeling it. I don't participate like I used to on the weekly stuff at Shrinking Jeans and I actually miss it. I do spend a good bit of time over at the 'hood now that I'm a Social Sister and all but I feel like I'm not being a good role model by not participating. Am I just making myself feel guilty when I really shouldn't? Eh, probably. I'm good at that. So there's confession #1.
Confession #2. I haven't been listening to my body with the whole intuitive eating thing and I've been stress eating again. I know I have because I recognize it when I do it. It needs to stop. I know this. Why the heck is it so hard to stop though? Lots of head knowledge here but not a lot of following through.
And last, but certainly not least, confession #3 is I stopped walking/running/jogging. I was feeling really good and I stopped. Life, as Christie O. mentioned in her post "3 Reasons You Should Never Wait to Work Out" has derailed me. But life won't be getting easier any time soon. In fact, after Saturday when my husband moves to the new job, I will be doing the single mom thing until we move. I gotta make it work. Period. If for nothing but my sanity.
And there you have it...Roo's confessions for the week.
decisions
So to everyone that still reads my blog even though I rarely post these days, thanks for hanging around and waiting for me to resurface. I've been dealing with a lot lately, none of which I really want to delve into here. Maybe another time but for today I just can't.The reason for this post is I have some very serious decisions to make regarding me, my mental health, my physical health, etc. I want you to give me feedback and be honest with me because something's got to give. Anyone wanna drive north a bit and pop me? Brooke? April? Thea? Wait. Let me reconsider that. These girls are hard core and might actually head this way to pop me in person.
Obviously I have been lacking any real, lasting motivation to be healthier for some time now. I'm participating in the current challenge at Shrinking Jeans but I'm doing my typical up and down yo-yo thing.
A little over a month ago I was diagnosed with hypertension (high blood pressure) and it turns out that is what has been causing my migraines. I'm now on blood pressure medication and my headaches, for the most part, have subsided. I had 2 horrific migraines the 1st 2 days on my meds but since then I've only had 1. So the lack of headaches is good. Hypertension at 34 is not.
Next big health issue is my cholesterol, triglycerides, LDL, etc. I don't really get it but suffice it to say that (and the previously mentioned hypertension) run in my family. My numbers are pretty high. High enough that my doctor said if I don't make some drastic changes and he sees my numbers come down at my 3-month follow-up appointment that he's putting me on meds for that too.
Ok, so let's recap how much medication I'm now taking:
- blood pressure medicine and accompanying water pill
- anxiety med for panic attacks and depression
- migraine pills, as needed
- migraine therapy med (which is supposed to work with my anti-depressant to eliminate/reduce frequency of migraines)
I have to figure out a game plan ASAP. I DO NOT want to rob my kids of a mother. I NEED to make lifestyle changes immediately. I can't continue this "but I really want that to eat because it tastes good". My relationship with food is bad. My choices are bad. I am addicted to sugar. I know this but I'm at a loss of how to fix it. I need accountability. I also need a real lifestyle change that my entire family will follow. I'm no longer looking at this from a vanity standpoint because I want to be thin. I am looking at it as a must-do for me and my kids.
I've joined and re-joined Weight Watchers more times than I can count. And it works when I follow it. I just don't know how realistic it is for me over the long haul. Honestly? I get bored with it. I get into a habit of always eating this or that because I know the points. Do I go back and try Weight Watchers again? Do I find a nutritionist that will sit down and keep me accountable along with helping me understand what I need to do? Am I over-thinking this?
Anyone? Bueller?
confession time: it's ugly
It's not pretty friends. As I look back over the last few months I am nowhere near where I honestly thought I would be. I've been spiraling out of control and am at my highest weight in quite a while. The sucky part? I haven't really cared. I mean, yes I care but I haven't cared enough to do anything. Hop on the scale? Hell to the no. I don't want to know the number. But I now know the number and am headed back to Weight Watchers first thing this morning. I can't do this on my own. I don't know why; I just can't.
My name is Roo and I'm addicted to food. Happy? give me food. Sad? Give me food. Depressed? Give me food. Celebrating? Give me food. I seriously need to break this cycle. ASAP.
quick confessions
Once upon a time, a girl named Roo went to Disney World. She ate dessert every night (mmmmm...cheesecake...), had very little water and not nearly enough sleep. She lacked motivation for eating well in general for no real reason. She arrived home to find that there were no "real" groceries in the house. And instead of going to the grocery store she ended up working all day. I think my girl Roo needs to get her act together. The end.
confessions: planning fail
"When you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
I've heard this quote many times and while the source is unknown, the message is so true.
I did really well through Saturday...stayed on plan, counted Points (even during Christmas dinner at the in-laws), etc. I had planned on going to the grocery store on Friday when my oldest got sick. Today is the first day he went back to school and guess who has no real food in her house? Yep. That'd be me. I should've went to the store this weekend when my husband was home but I was exhausted. Still am, actually. So this bump of not having any real food is totally my fault. Sunday and Monday I ate crap. And guess what? I felt like crap too. I'm back on track today and if I don't get to the store before my husband gets home (youngest is sick - read: crabby and whiney) I am going after dinner. I don't care what time it is, I'm going. I just hope my two bad days don't mess up my weigh-in even though I know more than likely it will (if not this week then next).
Moving on...
true confessions: the i actually have good things to confess edition
I can't believe it but my confessions this week aren't bad. Normally when I weigh-in with the weekly transgressions we all tend to have it's bad. Really bad. But this week it's not. It could've been though. Here's why:
On Friday afternoon I went through the Burger King drive through (don't judge I ordered a grilled chicken salad with no dressing). It was going to be a busy night with work and I wanted quick and easy. We (the kids and I) arrive home. It had been snowing and they wanted to play outside so we hung out and played in the snow for quite a while. We were outside until dark and well past the point in time that I should've eaten something. I was FAMISHED. Not hungry. Out of control give me FOOD hungry. I know better than to let myself get that hungry but because I couldn't eat my salad and drive I skipped dinner (the kids ate on the ride home). Husband, in usual fashion, was working late and called to inquire about dinner to which I replied, "Pick up a pizza and breadsticks." Yes, I did. When he got home I had 1 breadstick and 4 - YES 4 - pieces of pizza.
(Don't ask why I didn't just eat my salad when I got in from the snow. I really don't know why I didn't. All I know is I wanted pizza. And I wanted it now.)
I didn't count the Points. I knew I should but I didn't. I ate what I wanted and didn't think much more about it. When I woke up Saturday I (regretfully) remembered my food fiasco from the night before. I (begrudgingly) counted the Points and, to my surprise, had not gone over my weekly points allowance with Weight Watchers! In essence, I was still on track for the week and hadn't sabotaged myself.
Making myself go back and write down and count what I ate was a big hurdle to jump. In the past (so many times in the past) I would've just said, "Screw it. You messed up. Why even bother trying?" I didn't do that this time. And I'm so proud of myself for that.
i wish...
...I wish I knew why I was struggling with eating right and exercising (and how to fix it)....I wish I knew how I could function without anxiety meds because at this moment and for some time now I feel like I'm existing not living.
...I wish I knew why I can look at myself in the mirror and say yes I love myself and believe it, but daily choose to do things (eat things) that state the opposite.
2010 has been such a difficult year for me personally but I want that to change. My doctor changed my meds and while the overwhelming sadness is gone I'm still just going through the motions. And I'm so tired of just existing and going through my daily routine. I want to really live again and feel like I'm living again. But I don't even know where to start.
confession time
It's Tuesday and that means it's confession time over at the Sisterhood. Forgive me, Sisters, for I have...
- Not had enough water this past week.
- Have eaten more fast food than could even remotely be good for me.
- Been ignoring that voice in the back of my head that is telling me I'm headed down the wrong path, I'm out of control and I need to refocus.
i think the internet is trying to tell me something
the bad
I have not eaten right. I have not exercised. I have not had enough water. I have not had enough sleep. I am tired, anxious and overwhelmed. My inner child has not been nice to me when she talks to me. Somebody needs to pop her. Maybe I should.
the good
While being seriously stressed out I did not take it out on my kids. I finally registered the 2yo for gymnastics and she starts next week. I also bit the bullet and signed myself up for the Disney 1/2. (Those have been on my to-do list for a while.)
Now what's this about the Internet trying to tell me something?
First, I saw this over at Roni's Weigh: Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to remember. Make decisions. Make mistakes. If you fall, at least you tried.
Then this, at Operation Beautiful: “Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” (Mark Victor Hansen)
Both of these really spoke to me because I've been sitting here saying things like "you can't do this if you can't get on the treadmill" or "you can't do this with no one to watch the kids". You get the picture. The problem is I'm trying to do it they way I think it SHOULD be done instead of just getting it done. Even if I try it's better than doing nothing at all, right? Right.
As Karena so eloquently put it, "And when my needs are met, I’m much better equipped to meet the needs of everyone that depends on me."
i confess...
...that I had 2 pieces of cheesecake on my weekend vacation (not at the same time...I'm not THAT bad).
...that I thoroughly enjoyed having some alone time with Dave even though I missed the kids like crazy.
...that I'm kinda looking forward to school starting because while I miss my son like crazy during the day it'll be nice to get back into a routine again. We are so off in the summer.
...that the days I have been home this past week I have worked more than I have played with my kids and I feel super guilty about that.
...that when my children were done with their ice cream at DQ today I didn't eat what was left.
...that I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's weigh-in (see cheesecake confession, above).
...that the fact that the right side of my back and hip hurting has me a little concerned (it was the left side I had "fixed").
...that I hate the hours my husband works. During the week he's rarely, if ever, home except to sleep. And I miss him.
...that I haven't exercised at all this past week (unless you count all of the walking on vacation).
i confess
I don't want to confess, really, because there are these girls I know. They call themselves the Weight Loss Mafia (abbreviated #WLM on Twitter). And, well, they scare me. And they're watching. Always watching. One of 'em? She lives close enough that she could totally drive to my house and knock some sense into me if she wanted to. I'm just sayin...
Ok, they DO scare me but not in a fear for my life sorta way. They are my friends and they CARE. They are my accountability and it truly means the world to me.
So where do I even start?
I decided to try calorie counting on Friday. Friday went well. Until I caved and had ice cream.
Saturday I didn't count at all because we went to a church picnic. Although I did do well and only ate 1 chicken breast and
I went over a little on Sunday and on Monday I hit the magic number. I had the headache from you know where as a result but I did it.
Today was another off day as far as counting but I did try to make better choices. For example, no crappy snacks from the water park I took the kids to. And dinner out was fish with steamed veggies.
I'm not sure if I'll have lost weight tomorrow when I weigh-in seeing as I'm coming off of a 2 week ice cream every evening deal that ended Friday night but I am secretly hoping for at least a half pound. And now that I have my fridge stocked with free foods (read: carrots, peppers, you know healthy snacks), I am confident this next week will be better.
As April told me - I am SO CLOSE. And I am. The difficult part is getting my body through the shock it's currently in as I'm consuming less caffeine, less calories, no white bread, and, in turn, less sugar. This is good for me. I know it is. And while my body may be revolting now it will thank me soon enough. I just have to get there.
I did restart the Couch-to-5K tonight and I felt so good. After almost 3 months since my injury (8/5 will mark 3 months) it was an awesome feeling to get back on the treadmill. And quite honestly, it went really fast. Zero pain.
I drank more water from this past Friday through today than I have probably consumed in the last few weeks total. Really. I was sooo bad with the water intake until now.
And you know what? It feels good to write this. I didn't want to but now that I have I can sit back and say ok I had some rough patches starting but I'm on the right track, I'm doing what I need to do and I WILL be healthy. For me. And for my kids.
confessions, check-in and more
Wow guys this has been a crazy, busy week. So busy, in fact, that I am still baffled by the fact that it's Thursday night. I can probably count on my fingers the number of hours we've actually been home this week (sleeping time excluded). But *big sigh of relief* starting tomorrow (Friday) it's not as crazy. Which is why I picked Friday to be my "let's try this again" day.I did weigh-in on Wednesday and was up 1.4. I had a few thought-provoking comments last week (thanks, sisters) and Christie suggested maybe I was bored with Weight Watchers. At first I thought, nah I'm not bored, but after a little more mind-chewing on it I thought ok maybe she's got a point. It's not that Weight Watchers doesn't work. I know it does. When you follow the plan. My problem is my lackadaisical attitude towards it. So I thought - Hey, why not change it up? It's not like I'm 100% devoted to it (as evidenced by my weigh-in) and if something else doesn't work I try something else or even go back to counting Points. That being said, I've decided to try calorie counting. It will still require logging my food but I only have 1 number to deal with (for now) instead of 3. Something I've noticed is Weight Watchers is also all about the fiber and I'm not going to disagree that fiber is good for you but I've noticed, for me, it seems like the more protein something has the more filling it is and the less I want to snack/eat mindlessly.
Speaking of protein, I'm going to totally change topic here, has anyone tried Chobani Greek Yogurt? Oh. My. GOSH. It is the BEST yogurt I have EVER tasted. And the bonus? Zero fat and 14 grams of protein. It. is. awesome. If you like yogurt, that is. It's a little pricier than the other brands. Sale price at my local store was 10 for $10. But definitely worth it.*
Ok, back to my thoughts here (by the way this post has been writing itself in my head all week): Calorie counting is what I'm going to start tomorrow. I have a plan in place and a guide (thanks, April...you are awesome).
Exercise also needs to make its way "back" (get it, my back problems? Ha!) into the picture. My back is doing great and there's really no sense in putting it off. Game plan? 3 days run/walk (Couch-to-5K program) and 2 days strength training. I am working with Team in Training to get rescheduled for another half-marathon and am going to start looking for a local 5K to train for (gotta have a goal, right?).
WATER. Must. drink. water. We all know my crazy addiction to Diet Coke. And I KNOW it's not good for me. New plan = 80-100 ounces of water and 1 Diet Coke only if I meet the water requirement first. (This one scares me.)
So next week when I check in I will visit with you on how it went with calorie counting, exercise and water.
And finally, I need accountability. I was going to request a volunteer to be an accountability partner and I would return the favor - BUT seeing as Shrinking Jeans is starting a new challenge on Sunday and it includes teams, I'll be counting on my teammates to kick me in the butt if necessary.
*Photo courtesy of chobani.com. No one requested or paid me to post my adoration for this yogurt but I would definitely consider promoting these yogurts if contacted. I love 'em that much. Hey, I'm just sayin...
confessions
THE BAD:
I am still struggling with feelings of anxiety and being completely overwhelmed. I realize this has a lot to do with the fact that I've been benched since the beginning of May. Plans I made, things I had looked forward to had to be cancelled. I haven't been able to tackle as much of the unpacking at the new house as I wanted to either.
Said feelings of anxiety, frustration, etc. stress other relationships. I tend to pull away from my friends and my spouse and immerse myself in the kids. I realize this isn't ideal but it is what I do.
I have had too much ice cream this week. But hey, what can I say? All the cake was gone.
THE GOOD:
2nd appointment with the pain clinic is today. May get a 2nd shot. We'll see what the doctor says.
The cake is gone.
The playroom is 98% complete (need to touch up where the painters tape took some of the pain around the trim with it).
I've had more water this week than in the past several weeks. I'm proud of myself for that.
And there you have it...this week's confessions.
fessin up
Instead of listing all of my transgressions since my last confessions post let's just go with the last week, shall we?
I have eaten cake every day since Thursday. Every. day.
I have consumed very little water.
I feel sad (although I can't pinpoint one specific reason).
I let people hurt me more than I should. I know I need to let go but sometimes that's easier said than done. Especially when said people end up hurting my children and are too self-absorbed to even see it.
And now for the good things I've done. What? You didn't think I was going to be all down and out, did ya?
The playroom has been painted an amazing blue (Ocean Sigh by Valspar pictured on the walls on this page). And the chalkboard wall is awesome. (Pictures to follow once the room is completely done with wall decals, etc.)
My oldest (the co-sleeper who then slept in a separate bed in our room) is sleeping in his own room all night every night.
My daughter is finally starting to get the potty training thing even though we still have a long way to go.
I got a lot of laundry done on Monday. As in 4 loads, yo.
I have been successfully avoiding that thing I love to do when I'm down (retail therapy). I've been sticking to what we need not necessarily what we want. Except for the playroom table and chairs I got for the kids from Target. And the hand-painted light switch cover, too. But I covered that with my money from my work-at-home part-time gig so I don't feel guilty.
I researched and now have the information to join my local YMCA. I'm waiting until after my doctor's appointment next week before getting a visitor's pass and checking it out; but at least now I have my homework done and I'm ready to go when I get the green light.
And totally off topic for this post: Speaking of the back, I'm still having problems (not as bad as before the first shot but there's still a lot of pain). It'll be interesting to see if the doc wants me to work through it or give me another injection. But hey at least I can actually do normal stuff now (swing my daughter around, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping)! That, in and of itself, makes me very happy.
i am an addict
I am addicted to sugar, bad carbs (think cake, biscuits, etc.) and caffeine. And I don't know how to stop it. Re-join Weight Watchers so that I am accountable for the number of Points I put in my mouth daily? That's all well and good but truthfully I can work the addiction in to my Daily Points Allowance. I've thought about counting calories as well. Then there's always clean eating and the idea that if a food has multiple ingredients don't eat it = an apple is an apple, an egg is an egg, etc. Truth is I'm not sure what to do. I know if I just pick something and stick to it the weight will come off. And regardless of what direction I take I need to break the addictions.And there you have it, this week's...
fessing up
It's been a while since I've linked up on the weekly confessions post but here goes:
- I'm tired.
- I'm injured.
- Since said injury I haven't been able to exercise at all (no walking, no running, nothing). Doctor and chiropractor have both diagnosed me with sacroiliac strain and a secondary diagnosis of sciatica. Not really what one wants or needs with only a few weeks before a half marathon, huh?
- I'm depressed.
- I'm overwhelmed.
- And those 21 day goals? Meh. Not so much.
And I'm having lunch with Thea tomorrow.
DOUBLE YAY!
