so much to say

Bear with me as this post is, well, all over the place, which will give you insight into where my mind is at the moment (hint: all over the place).

I just checked and ohmywerd there are 251 items sitting in Google Reader. I'm tempted to hit "mark all as read" but I don't want to miss anything. I already missed this week's Shrinkvivor weigh-in and am now out of the game which royally sucks, yo. (And I just checked the Shrinking Jeans posts in Google Reader to link up to the weigh-in post I missed and holy cow there are 24 posts I need to read!!!)

Two weeks ago I was at the end of my rope. To be perfectly honest I was there earlier this week too. I had another cortisone injection in my back on Monday and am actually starting to feel better today (as in less pain in my back, hip, butt and leg).

The doctor doesn't think that Disney is feasible because of the time left to train. He wants me to go really, really slow. As in, walk or run 1/2 a mile, wait 4 days, do it again, wait 4 days and see how I'm feeling. I am going to start going to the Y next week on a visitor pass to see how my little one takes to the child care. I'm hoping she does well and then I can work one-on-one with a trainer to see if he/she can get me where I need to be to walk the Disney 1/2 with Karena in January. Right now that's the best I can do, which is crazy disappointing, but it's where I am. What I REALLY want to do is participate in the Sisterhood Virtual 5K starting on Monday.

I'm seriously struggling with anxiety and depression again still. Beki's post on Vicious Cycles really hit a nerve with me. It's exactly where I am daily. And I hate it. Thea gave me a gentle nudge this week and I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday morning because something's gotta give. I cannot continue to survive like this.

Speaking of "surviving", I was watching the Biggest Loser this week and Jillian Michaels said something to a girl on the black team (her name escapes me) about surviving versus fighting. Basically, this girl has lived her entire life surviving whatever comes her way when, in fact, she needs to fight. Which prompted me to tweet this:



"Why aren't you fighting? Thriving, that's fighting. Surviving is just getting by. Now: run again." - Jillian Michaels

Hmmm. I can't wait to run again. <---Words I never thought I'd think let alone say out loud.

Oh and don't miss this giveaway from Shrinking Jeans that ends TOMORROW - 2 Tickets to FitBloggin. I know. Go enter. NOW. I'll be there. And I wanna meet my girls there, k?

my son

It's only been a little over 3 years but it feels like a lifetime ago. My oldest, now 6, had only turned 3 two days before this photo was taken. I was pregnant with my daughter. We were still living in Minnesota.



I look back now and wonder where the last 3 years have gone. I'm now a mother of 2 with a 1st grader and an almost 3 year old. I see a baby in this picture. When I look at him now I see a little boy who's growing up faster than I ever imagined, smarter than me some most days. Dealing with things in school at 6 years old that I never even imagined when I was his age.

And I wonder... When he grows up will he know how very loved he is? That his potential is far greater than he ever can imagine? That nothing he does will ever change the love in my heart for my little boy? That he's worth the respect of his peers and to not allow others to tear him down or break his spirit? I hope so.

My beautiful baby boy. The baby I prayed for for so many years. My love for you will never fail.

exposed

I had never heard of the Exposed Movement until a week or so ago when a few Shrinking Jeans friends were chatting about it on Twitter. I jumped in and asked what it was and just as quickly jumped out of the conversation. Cause I did *not* want to go there.

The Exposed Movement started in October 2009 with this post by Mish at Eating Journey. She followed it up this year with a page on her blog dedicated to this movement. At the time I'm drafting this post, there are 106 people that exposed for the first time this October (not including me...yet). WOW.

So what's the big deal with exposing myself? I took the pledge to love myself and while I am doing my best to love myself sometimes actions speak louder than words. This is the biggest reason I am doing this. To love myself NOW. To embrace myself NOW. Not when I lose 50 pounds, not when the time is right in the future. Because the time is right NOW. Today. October 19, 2010.

So here I am, exposed...

big project - bigger heart

This is the face of a 7 year old boy with the biggest heart ever. I believe this 100% and he's not even my child.

When he found out his mom was participating in an Out of Darkness Community Walk for suicide prevention he (and his brother) joined her and raised $315!

His next mission? To raise money to bring clean drinking water to people who need it on every continent. (All his idea, people.) His original plan was to save his first $100 and send it to help Africans. His next plan? Raise $5,000. He wants to raise money for clean water in lieu of receiving Christmas presents. I am amazed, proud and so overwhelmed at his generosity.

You can read more about his amazing heart here: Whooo's That Girl?: wise beyond his years

And seriously, if you have even $5 to spare, what an amazing present for this little boy. Heck, what an amazing present for those people in dire need of one of life's basic necessities. Water.

i am not a failure

There have been several times this week I've almost quit. Quit exercising. Quit caring. You see, I'm hurting. Physically and emotionally. Physically, the herniated disc in my back is causing me problems again. Bending, walking, doing laundry, picking up my daughter. It hurts so much. And when my body hurts my mind hurts too. My inner mean girl surfaces and reminds me that I'm a failure, I can't keep my word (re: training for Disney), that my back is now giving out on me for a 2nd time when training for a half marathon and I just must not be capable of doing it. And then she whispers, "Loser. Told you so. You'll never walk a half marathon let alone run one." And then I cry. Cry because I'm sad. Cry because I'm angry. Cry because I don't know if I can take another disappointment this year. (There have been many.)

And then as I'm organizing pictures on my computer I see this.



My 6 year old drew this for me this past Spring when I was raising money for LLS and Team in Training. He was so proud of me for running and raising money for people with cancer. Children with cancer. Families that are going through much more difficult things than a herniated disc in their back. And I realized that the pity party I'm having for myself stops now.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with Disney at this point. Another cortisone shot in my back? Surgery (God I hope not)? I just don't know. But until then I will continue to train as much as I can without hurting myself more, I will tell my inner mean girl to shut up and I will not call myself a failure. Injury does not equal failure.* Even though the voices in my head try to tell me otherwise.

*Thanks to Karena and April for the reminder.

shrinkvivor challenge weigh-in #5

I am late posting this week (sorry!) but I did manage to check in on time over at Shrinking Jeans so I'm still on Exile Island. (insert big sigh of relief!)

Here are the quick deets:

Last week's weight: 199.0
Challenge Starting Weight: 202.1
Change This Week: 0
Change for Shrinkvivor Challenge: -3.1
Total Pounds Gone since 9/8/2010: 4.6

No change but no gain so I'm pretty happy with that. Will be posting more this week (hopefully by the weekend). And yes, that will include an "exposed" post. I'm scared but I'll do it because I need to do it. I took the pledge to love myself and this is another step in that direction. Till then...

shrinkvivor challenge weigh-in #4

Holla!!! I'm down 1.7 pounds this week. YAY!



Last week's weight: 200.7
Challenge Starting Weight: 202.1
Change This Week: -1.7
Change for Shrinkvivor Challenge: -3.1
Total Pounds Gone since 9/8/2010: 4.6

Last week, although in the Top 3 for minutes logged (GO TEAM PURPLE!), my team did not excel in the weight loss portion and were (sniff) sent to Exile Island. But being on Exile Island isn't all bad (there's a lot of awesome peeps over there, ya know) and you know what? We're all still improving our fitness and losing weight together and that's really the point of the whole challenge anyway.

Disney 1/2 Marathon training officially began this week. And I also had my best time for a mile at 16:15 which I realize is still slow but it's MY best and I'm super proud of it (considering my average in the spring was a 19 minute mile). Most of my girls are participating in the Disney full marathon but Karena and I will tackling the half marathon together. (Note: I cannot wait to meet my girls!)

Looking forward to another terrific week!

i love me!!!

Yep, I said it. *gasp* I love myself. Most days. But I'm still a work in progress. So along with my Shrinking Jeans Sisters, I am participating in the Monthly Project for October and taking the pledge to love myself unconditionally, without strings attached and just because I should.

Won't you join us? Raise your right hand, button up and/or blog:

The Pledge to Love Myself.

I pledge allegiance, TO MYSELF.
Today I will proclaim it
out loud,
TALL AND PROUD
I LOVE MYSELF.
From this day forward,
I promise to be nice.
TO myself and ABOUT myself.
I will accept my quirks and I will love my faults.
I will love my shape, whatever it is
My bones, my muscles, my hair and my face.
My body, all of it, inside and out.
Because that is what makes me, ME.
And there is only one of me.
I will finally allow myself
to see what others see.
My kindness, my spirit, my love.
And starting today, I will share some of it,
with ME.
Because I deserve it.
I will fight for myself, because I’m important.
And I deserve to be everything I am capable of in my life.
I deserve to find my greatness and live my life fully and completely.
With no regrets.
There is so much I want to do in my life,
but first, it begins with “me.”
I LOVE MYSELF.
Today, tomorrow, and every day after that.
I LOVE MYSELF, DAMMIT!
And no one can stop me.