i am in control

***I decided not to do an in-depth Fitbloggin recap but instead share what has happened with me since that amazing weekend. I learned so much, saw old friends and met new ones. The memories are forever etched into my mind. And yes, even THAT memory April. (AHEM)(the things I do for my friends). I will definitely go back next year. If I walked away this year learning so much in such a short amount of time I can't imagine what I'll come back with next time.***

For the first time in several years I feel in control which is ironic given the fact that everything around me feels out of control (upcoming move out of state for husband's new job being the main culprit).

I attended Fitbloggin almost 2 weeks ago (has it really been that long??? ) and was truly at an all time low with my depression and an all time high with my weight (almost anyway - within 10 pounds of my heaviest). It was HARD to go knowing that I wasn't playing the game. I'd start and stop and start and stop and start and stop again. I joined Weight Watchers a billion times. But in my head I never fully committed. I wanted to but didn't. Depression and circumstances have played a huge part in that and breaking the cycle is tough. I kept joining challenges at Shrinking Jeans and instead of being motivated I sunk deeper into the depression as I kept seeing the numbers on the scale go up. Granted I knew I wasn't doing what I needed to do to be successful but that didn't ease the guilt, sadness or the negative talk.

One theme that was prevalent throughout the conference was BE YOURSELF or BE AUTHENTIC. I was doing neither. Sure, I was me when I was chatting it up with someone on Twitter but I couldn't be real here - in this space - on my blog. Why not? It's my space. People can choose to read or not. But I never felt like I could convey it right - my feelings, where I was, etc. Instead I chose to stop talking/writing and internalize everything. Dumb, I know, especially when I am surrounded by so many awesome friends here in the blogosphere. Today the not sharing and not being authentic stops. I am me and I am awesome. I don't need to convince anyone else of this. So I will do my best to write more and keep it real. Really real. (You've been warned.)

I also chose to attend a session on intuitive eating with Katie Heddleston, Christie Inge and Karen Anderson (who swings a mean kettlebell, ya'll). I have been intrigued with intuitive eating for quite some time but as a girl who needs to lose a good bit of weight I wondered how it could actually work for me. I mean, don't I need to count Points, track calories, etc.? Maybe. But for me I realized that I need to get my head on straight first. Until I can love me for me and stop the self-sabotage nothing is going to work. So I came out of the session with the decision to stop the crazy cycle of gain, gain, lose, gain, gain, lose and just focus on not eating for comfort, eating slower, stopping when I'm full (no need to clean the frikkin plate) and enjoying what I'm eating (not just stuffing my face). When I weigh myself (I'm not ditching the scale entirely. Yet.) I will not let it define me. And in almost 2 weeks I've lost weight guys (and not just a half pound). I'm not posting the numbers because it doesn't matter at this point. But the scale did confirm that I am making better choices and I will use it only as a guide for now and not call myself names or beat myself up if the number on the scale isn't where I think it should be.

Guess what I'm else I'm doing? Making time for me. I am so overwhelmed with being a mom and life in general (as evidenced by last week's hospitalization for anxiety attacks...ugh) that I haven't been taking care of myself. Yes, I have the head knowledge that I SHOULD take care of me but I don't. That changed this weekend. I restarted the Couch-to-5K program and am doing Pilates on alternate nights. I am exercising at night after the kids go to bed because my husband is home to listen for the kids and if I'm outside it's a lot cooler (seeing as it's in the 90's during the day here).

For the first time in several years I am finally in control. I know that it won't always be perfect but I am trying. And I will keep picking myself up and starting again when life gets tough.

So thank you, Fitbloggin, you helped me to find me again! And I will be eternally grateful.

spring in2 action challenge kick-off

Spring is coming and the Sisterhood is kicking it off with a new challenge - Spring In2 Action! It's a buddy challenge and I've teamed up with Kate aka @northdakotamom on Twitter. We're calling ourselves the Crazy Brownies.

As I posted yesterday, I'm currently (or was) at my highest weight in a while of *whispers* 202.2. Cue tears. Lots of tears and internally beating myself up. Enough. Ice cream never solved anything. Can I get an AMEN? That being said:

Weight at last check-in: 202.2
Challenge Starting Weight: 202.2
Change This Week: -1.7 (200.5)
Change for Spring In2 Action Challenge: -1.7
Total Pounds Gone since 3/1/2011: -1.7

My goals for this challenge:

• Watch the scale go down (and not just because I'm seeing the number when one of my kids is on the scale playing). Seriously give it my all and work on losing weight. How will I do this? Weight Watchers (went back yesterday) and water.
• Ah, water. My body needs it but I have a bad habit of filling it with caffeine (i.e. coffee and Diet Coke). Daily goal (because I'm hardly drinking any) is 64 ounces. I should probably aim for more but baby steps, right?
• Complete the 100 push-up challenge. Because I want smokin' hawt arms. It's true. I also want a strong core and this will help towards achieving that goal as well. Push-ups are done 3 times a week. I will walk the other 3 days for at least 30 minutes (or restart C25K if my back allows) and rest one day a week.

Speaking of push-ups, I decided to go with real push-ups (on my toes and not my knees). I was able to do a whopping 3 for my initial test. But I will get better and I will get stronger. You can count on it. (Pssst: Day 1 complete!)

I keep reminding myself "baby steps" because I tend to go full force into something and give up within a week or two because I've done too much. I'm truly working on changing that this time around and can't wait to see where I am at the end of this 6 week challenge!

so much to say

Bear with me as this post is, well, all over the place, which will give you insight into where my mind is at the moment (hint: all over the place).

I just checked and ohmywerd there are 251 items sitting in Google Reader. I'm tempted to hit "mark all as read" but I don't want to miss anything. I already missed this week's Shrinkvivor weigh-in and am now out of the game which royally sucks, yo. (And I just checked the Shrinking Jeans posts in Google Reader to link up to the weigh-in post I missed and holy cow there are 24 posts I need to read!!!)

Two weeks ago I was at the end of my rope. To be perfectly honest I was there earlier this week too. I had another cortisone injection in my back on Monday and am actually starting to feel better today (as in less pain in my back, hip, butt and leg).

The doctor doesn't think that Disney is feasible because of the time left to train. He wants me to go really, really slow. As in, walk or run 1/2 a mile, wait 4 days, do it again, wait 4 days and see how I'm feeling. I am going to start going to the Y next week on a visitor pass to see how my little one takes to the child care. I'm hoping she does well and then I can work one-on-one with a trainer to see if he/she can get me where I need to be to walk the Disney 1/2 with Karena in January. Right now that's the best I can do, which is crazy disappointing, but it's where I am. What I REALLY want to do is participate in the Sisterhood Virtual 5K starting on Monday.

I'm seriously struggling with anxiety and depression again still. Beki's post on Vicious Cycles really hit a nerve with me. It's exactly where I am daily. And I hate it. Thea gave me a gentle nudge this week and I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday morning because something's gotta give. I cannot continue to survive like this.

Speaking of "surviving", I was watching the Biggest Loser this week and Jillian Michaels said something to a girl on the black team (her name escapes me) about surviving versus fighting. Basically, this girl has lived her entire life surviving whatever comes her way when, in fact, she needs to fight. Which prompted me to tweet this:



"Why aren't you fighting? Thriving, that's fighting. Surviving is just getting by. Now: run again." - Jillian Michaels

Hmmm. I can't wait to run again. <---Words I never thought I'd think let alone say out loud.

Oh and don't miss this giveaway from Shrinking Jeans that ends TOMORROW - 2 Tickets to FitBloggin. I know. Go enter. NOW. I'll be there. And I wanna meet my girls there, k?

day book journal - august 7th

I love the idea of posting a weekly Day Book Journal entry (first seen at The Daily Mel). The idea is to post an entry each week giving your readers a brief peek into the blogger's life. I don't know if I'll do it weekly or just this once but it seemed like a fun idea.

Outside my window... it's dark and I hear the crickets singing their good night songs.

I am thinking... that I am really looking forward to getting away for a long weekend with my husband at the end of next week.

I am thankful for... healthy, happy children.

Around the house... I need to hit room # 2 (my son's bedroom) in the grand painting and making the new home ours plan.

I am wearing... a t-shirt, jean shorts and flip-flops.

I am loving... restarting the C25K this week.

I am hoping... that the kids sleep well tonight, and I get to sleep in a little tomorrow.

I am stitching... Are you kidding? This chick doesn't stitch. I can't imagine the damage I'd do if I tried.

I am drooling over... a new laptop bag. I can see it in my mind but I haven't found exactly what I want yet. I love the cute, custom made ones but it's hard to find them to fit my 17" laptop AND have room for my files, too.

I am sorely tempted by... Etsy. I cannot look because then I want to buy. Every. Time.

I am reading... The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson.

On my iPod... all running music. My current fave is Boom Boom Pow by The Black Eyed Peas. Yeah it's so last year but I so still love it.

On my mind... school starting in a few weeks.

On my To Do List... making a final decision regarding the Disney 1/2 Marathon in January.

From my picture journal... my daughter right before heading out to the water park last week. Gah, her cuteness is sometimes too much for me.

weekly check-in: down & dirty in 30

Today is the first weigh-in for the Down & Dirty Challenge over at the Sisterhood. I am already loving this challenge because not only do I think the name totally rocks, BUT we've been paired up in teams! I am on Team E, also known as Exotic Gangstas, with 5 other ridiculously awesome peeps. We had our official first weigh-in on Sunday and today we are down 6.8 pounds as a team. I am so proud of us! Myself, I'm down 0.5 pound but am good with that.

Things are clicking and I'm trying to get into a groove, so to speak. I started the C25K last night and it was so awesome to be back in the exercise game. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? After 3 months I was totally dreading starting again but I felt that rush of doing something good for me and now I'm looking forward to Day 2 tomorrow.

This is a super quick post and I apologize for that but I have little people to get to bed and to say I'm exhausted is an understatement.

Go visit the check-in post for today, scroll through the comments and give these gals lots of encouragement! They're working hard for it!

i confess

I don't want to confess, really, because there are these girls I know. They call themselves the Weight Loss Mafia (abbreviated #WLM on Twitter). And, well, they scare me. And they're watching. Always watching. One of 'em? She lives close enough that she could totally drive to my house and knock some sense into me if she wanted to. I'm just sayin...

Ok, they DO scare me but not in a fear for my life sorta way. They are my friends and they CARE. They are my accountability and it truly means the world to me.

So where do I even start?

I decided to try calorie counting on Friday. Friday went well. Until I caved and had ice cream.

Saturday I didn't count at all because we went to a church picnic. Although I did do well and only ate 1 chicken breast and a cookie several cookies.

I went over a little on Sunday and on Monday I hit the magic number. I had the headache from you know where as a result but I did it.

Today was another off day as far as counting but I did try to make better choices. For example, no crappy snacks from the water park I took the kids to. And dinner out was fish with steamed veggies.

I'm not sure if I'll have lost weight tomorrow when I weigh-in seeing as I'm coming off of a 2 week ice cream every evening deal that ended Friday night but I am secretly hoping for at least a half pound. And now that I have my fridge stocked with free foods (read: carrots, peppers, you know healthy snacks), I am confident this next week will be better.

As April told me - I am SO CLOSE. And I am. The difficult part is getting my body through the shock it's currently in as I'm consuming less caffeine, less calories, no white bread, and, in turn, less sugar. This is good for me. I know it is. And while my body may be revolting now it will thank me soon enough. I just have to get there.

I did restart the Couch-to-5K tonight and I felt so good. After almost 3 months since my injury (8/5 will mark 3 months) it was an awesome feeling to get back on the treadmill. And quite honestly, it went really fast. Zero pain.

I drank more water from this past Friday through today than I have probably consumed in the last few weeks total. Really. I was sooo bad with the water intake until now.

And you know what? It feels good to write this. I didn't want to but now that I have I can sit back and say ok I had some rough patches starting but I'm on the right track, I'm doing what I need to do and I WILL be healthy. For me. And for my kids.