surprisingly, it's not all in my head

Disclaimer: This is going to be a different confession for me. It's very open and was very hard for me to type. Be gentle with me. My heart is heavy and I'm struggling.

I don't have a difficult life. In fact I am very blessed. Yes I've had my share of tragedy and disappointments and hardships but for the most part life is good. I survived a horrific first marriage and life as a victim of domestic violence and now am a proud survivor. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a husband that is a good provider and treats us well. I have the option to stay at home and raise our children. I have a house I adore and live in a town that I love as well.

But me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad but I'm not happy. I'm just here. Existing. I try my best to hide it behind a smile because most days that's the only way I can cope. Besides, I've been doing it for so long now that it's become normal for me. I know this isn't normal by any stretch of the imagination but sadly it's MY normal. And it's no longer acceptable. When I am always exhausted that the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I know my children need me something needs to give. When I'm on so many medications that I have to put reminders on my phone so I remember to take them and utilize one of those ridiculous pill sorters that my parents use something needs to give.

I finally found a new doctor and realized what I knew deep down for a while now. My last doctor was an idiot (and that's putting it nicely). The new doc came highly recommended by a few neighbors that use her and she gave me a complete physical and sat and talked to me for about 40 minutes. I never felt rushed and I felt like she actually cared about me and my entire well being not just shoving more pills at me to fix whatever is wrong.

I explained how I feel like I don't actually "feel" anything anymore, how I'm always exhausted, that the only reason I get up is for my kids and that I've gained a whopping 40 pounds over the last few years. I broke down and cried and told her that I feel like a failure in everything - mom, wife, to myself, etc. There are things that I should be able to "fix" (at least in my mind I should) - like getting dinner on the table most nights (which I seriously struggle with) and other things that for most people are simply what they do every day and it's not hard but for me it has been hard and IS hard. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you can't fix it. It's not in your head, it's your meds." And then she proceeded to explain that this medication makes your mind foggy and this medication causes excessive weight gain and this medication makes you feel numb and you're too young to be on all of this (I'm 35). She then smiled and said, "You WILL feel better. I promise. We're going to fix this."

Some meds I need to be weaned off of, others have been stopped immediately and today some of the withdrawal/changes I've experienced have been pure HELL and my nerves are shot. I literally broke down and sobbed in my husband's arms because I'm so overwhelmed but I'm confident that I WILL get better, I WILL feel again and I won't be so numb to everything around me.

I follow-up with her in two months and in two months I hope to feel somewhat better because at this point I will take ANY improvement I can get.

the loves of my life

I love taking pictures of my kids although I rarely show their precious faces here. When I upload pictures like this that are just perfect (in my mind) with little to no editing (I added a vignette and then black and white in the last set) I think WOW if I can do this without really knowing my stuff I would LOVE to learn photography more in depth. Use manual mode. Have a few different lenses.

Capturing them is so much fun. Sometimes I just don't think I do it justice. In these pictures though I think I did pretty darn good.

be still my heart

my heart is broken

I knew better than to trust you because you've hurt me before. Yet I still loved you because you are my family. I tried to be the better person. I tried so hard to believe that you loved me, too.

You hug me. You tell me you love me. But I know that you don't. You can't. You just cannot love someone and say such harsh and hateful things when they're not listening.

You burned me before. I let you back in. I shouldn't have but I did. Without fully trusting you I allowed myself to let my guard down and what do you do? You criticize my parenting, my housekeeping, my weight and more hurtful than anything else? You criticize my children. The two little people that bring me the most joy in my life. The innocent children that love you. That get excited to see you. Because they think you love them too. And you don't.

I'd love to tell you to grow up, get off your high horse and get a life; but if I do there are children that will suffer - mine and yours. If you find out I know you may very well find out how I know and then you will take it out on them.

I want to tell you how disappointed and angry I am right now. But for the sake of the children caught in the cross-fire I won't. But only for them. Not for you. Because as far as I'm concerned there is no relationship left and there never will be a way to mend this. You've gone too far this time and you can't fix it.