surprisingly, it's not all in my head

6:11 PM Posted by Roo

True Confessions

Disclaimer: This is going to be a different confession for me. It's very open and was very hard for me to type. Be gentle with me. My heart is heavy and I'm struggling.

I don't have a difficult life. In fact I am very blessed. Yes I've had my share of tragedy and disappointments and hardships but for the most part life is good. I survived a horrific first marriage and life as a victim of domestic violence and now am a proud survivor. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a husband that is a good provider and treats us well. I have the option to stay at home and raise our children. I have a house I adore and live in a town that I love as well.

But me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad but I'm not happy. I'm just here. Existing. I try my best to hide it behind a smile because most days that's the only way I can cope. Besides, I've been doing it for so long now that it's become normal for me. I know this isn't normal by any stretch of the imagination but sadly it's MY normal. And it's no longer acceptable. When I am always exhausted that the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I know my children need me something needs to give. When I'm on so many medications that I have to put reminders on my phone so I remember to take them and utilize one of those ridiculous pill sorters that my parents use something needs to give.

I finally found a new doctor and realized what I knew deep down for a while now. My last doctor was an idiot (and that's putting it nicely). The new doc came highly recommended by a few neighbors that use her and she gave me a complete physical and sat and talked to me for about 40 minutes. I never felt rushed and I felt like she actually cared about me and my entire well being not just shoving more pills at me to fix whatever is wrong.

I explained how I feel like I don't actually "feel" anything anymore, how I'm always exhausted, that the only reason I get up is for my kids and that I've gained a whopping 40 pounds over the last few years. I broke down and cried and told her that I feel like a failure in everything - mom, wife, to myself, etc. There are things that I should be able to "fix" (at least in my mind I should) - like getting dinner on the table most nights (which I seriously struggle with) and other things that for most people are simply what they do every day and it's not hard but for me it has been hard and IS hard. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you can't fix it. It's not in your head, it's your meds." And then she proceeded to explain that this medication makes your mind foggy and this medication causes excessive weight gain and this medication makes you feel numb and you're too young to be on all of this (I'm 35). She then smiled and said, "You WILL feel better. I promise. We're going to fix this."

Some meds I need to be weaned off of, others have been stopped immediately and today some of the withdrawal/changes I've experienced have been pure HELL and my nerves are shot. I literally broke down and sobbed in my husband's arms because I'm so overwhelmed but I'm confident that I WILL get better, I WILL feel again and I won't be so numb to everything around me.

I follow-up with her in two months and in two months I hope to feel somewhat better because at this point I will take ANY improvement I can get.

7 comments:

  1. *Lissa* said...

    Oh, hon. I'm sorry you are going through this. I am so proud of you for trying a new doctor and making steps to try and regain your life. I love you! Call me anytime, girl!!

  2. Karena said...

    Wow, so glad you found a new doc that would LISTEN to you and who was able to sift through all the side effects and figure out wherein the problem lies. I'm happy for you that you have caught a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. Love you, girl!

  3. Kirsten said...

    I am *so* happy that you found a doctor who is willing to listen to you. That is huge. ((hugs)) my friend. You know where to find me if you need an ear.

  4. Mommy Mo said...

    Oh Audrey. I am SO glad that you found a doctor that will actually listen to you and not just push pills AT you. Good luck on your new journey- there IS light at the end of the tunner. PInkie-promise swear.

  5. Brooke said...

    i'm so glad you got a great referral. good doctors make all the difference. i'm so excited for you! good things will come of this.

    so proud of you for speaking up for yourself. for putting your foot down and saying this. is. not. okay.

    love you!!! {{{hugs}}}

  6. AnnG said...

    Hugs!!

  7. MitaKay said...

    Hang in there, sugar. I, too, have an old-lady pill sorter for not just daily pills but AM and PM pills. It makes me wonder how generations before us survived without all of these "advancements" in pharmaceuticals. I'm so glad you have a dr who really listens and cares and I hope you get to feeling more like yourself VERY soon! XOXO

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