surprisingly, it's not all in my head

Disclaimer: This is going to be a different confession for me. It's very open and was very hard for me to type. Be gentle with me. My heart is heavy and I'm struggling.

I don't have a difficult life. In fact I am very blessed. Yes I've had my share of tragedy and disappointments and hardships but for the most part life is good. I survived a horrific first marriage and life as a victim of domestic violence and now am a proud survivor. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a husband that is a good provider and treats us well. I have the option to stay at home and raise our children. I have a house I adore and live in a town that I love as well.

But me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad but I'm not happy. I'm just here. Existing. I try my best to hide it behind a smile because most days that's the only way I can cope. Besides, I've been doing it for so long now that it's become normal for me. I know this isn't normal by any stretch of the imagination but sadly it's MY normal. And it's no longer acceptable. When I am always exhausted that the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I know my children need me something needs to give. When I'm on so many medications that I have to put reminders on my phone so I remember to take them and utilize one of those ridiculous pill sorters that my parents use something needs to give.

I finally found a new doctor and realized what I knew deep down for a while now. My last doctor was an idiot (and that's putting it nicely). The new doc came highly recommended by a few neighbors that use her and she gave me a complete physical and sat and talked to me for about 40 minutes. I never felt rushed and I felt like she actually cared about me and my entire well being not just shoving more pills at me to fix whatever is wrong.

I explained how I feel like I don't actually "feel" anything anymore, how I'm always exhausted, that the only reason I get up is for my kids and that I've gained a whopping 40 pounds over the last few years. I broke down and cried and told her that I feel like a failure in everything - mom, wife, to myself, etc. There are things that I should be able to "fix" (at least in my mind I should) - like getting dinner on the table most nights (which I seriously struggle with) and other things that for most people are simply what they do every day and it's not hard but for me it has been hard and IS hard. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you can't fix it. It's not in your head, it's your meds." And then she proceeded to explain that this medication makes your mind foggy and this medication causes excessive weight gain and this medication makes you feel numb and you're too young to be on all of this (I'm 35). She then smiled and said, "You WILL feel better. I promise. We're going to fix this."

Some meds I need to be weaned off of, others have been stopped immediately and today some of the withdrawal/changes I've experienced have been pure HELL and my nerves are shot. I literally broke down and sobbed in my husband's arms because I'm so overwhelmed but I'm confident that I WILL get better, I WILL feel again and I won't be so numb to everything around me.

I follow-up with her in two months and in two months I hope to feel somewhat better because at this point I will take ANY improvement I can get.

shrinkvivor challenge week 1

This is it! Week 1 of the Shrinkvivor Challenge over at Shrinking Jeans! I almost wish I had waited and started back to Weight Watchers a week later since I'm down 4.2 pounds this week!

I am teamed up with some great gals for this challenge including Ann and Heather! We are part of Team Pink - AKA the Pinkbury Dough Girls! Cute, huh?
















This week's physical challenge is exercise minutes - time devoted to exercise specifically. So I will be working on that and continuing to keep track of my foods and staying within my daily Points Plus target for Weight Watchers.

The best part about this past week? (Excluding a nice loss on the scale, of course.) Energy. I actually am not dragging my butt, exhausted all the flippin' time. Guess my body was trying to tell me something. Obviously I'm hard headed occasionally. Or all the time if you ask my husband.

I am really looking forward to seeing what I personally and the Pinkbury Dough Girls as a team can accomplish not only this week but throughout this challenge.

Until next Wednesday...

goodbye, summer

Goodbye, Summer. Hello, school, baseball, preschool and back to being on a schedule!

I have to admit - Summer spoils me. I enjoy not having to be anywhere at any particular time. We don't really have a routine and I like it. But I also like routine. (I know, I totally contradicted myself in one paragraph.)

Here's the thing...The ability to do whatever, whenever, spur of the moment is fun. Sun shining and warmth? Pool time! Rainy day? Let's play board games and read books. Rough night? Let's stay in our pajamas until 3:00 the next day! But the lack of routine almost always sometimes makes me crazy.

Enter September. School starts on Tuesday for my 2nd grader and my 3 year old starts preschool the following week. Getting up and doing the same thing on the same schedule is actually easier on me mentally. I don't have to think about it I just get up and do it. Hence the reason I like routine.

I will REALLY miss having my oldest at home. My little one's preschool is 2 mornings a week and I will be volunteering at the elementary school during that time so while I will miss her (of course) I won't be coming home to a quiet house (which would totally feel strange).

We're finally settled. The garage still needs to be unpacked and organized seeing as it's handling the overflow. However, the inside of the house is done with the exception of hanging pictures and placing "little things" here and there. I've started on my standard room makeovers that I do each time we move. My son's room has one teeny tiny thing for me to finish and then it's done. The rest is still a work in progress (mainly because I am not sticking to one room at a time and jumping here and there).

Have I mentioned the husband LOVES his job? Yeah. He has a pretty amazing boss and seems to be working for a really good company. Neither of us have that same warm and fuzzy from our relocation company but the new employer and new position we're definitely giving "2 thumbs up!".

The kids have made friends with our neighbors kids that are the same age. They seriously beg to play with their friends every. single. day. And from my conversations with my neighbor her kids do the same thing! It's such a good feeling for me because friendship with other kids is so vital to my kids happiness. I love seeing them laughing, running, playing, screaming (okay, not the screaming so much but the reason they're screaming) with other kids their age.

So while Summer is fading away too fast, Fall is almost here and a new chapter in our lives is starting. It's exciting and it's scary. How many times have we done this??? But we're together as a family, Daddy is home more and loves his job (bonus!) and it's starting to feel like "home"...

funny how this time is different...

He walked out the door today and I cried. Do you know how long it's been since I've cried because I don't want him to go? I honestly can't remember.

We've been married for almost 10 years and for the latter half of it we have drifted apart. So far apart. Kids, jobs, moves, life, different wants, different needs, etc. It all kept putting a wedge between us. I wondered where the man I married had gone. I wondered where the girl I used to be had gone. I wondered if we would ever be those people again.

I have never stopped loving him. Not once. But most of the time it felt like we were roommates. We didn't really fight. Except for that one earlier this year where I honestly thought one of us was going to leave.

Last month we went out of town to look for a house for yet another move (yes, I have been bitter over moving as frequently as we have; I won't lie). We went without the kids and it was nice. We spent time together, I performed karaoke in the car for him (his favorite - snort), we had real conversations over meals and we talked. We cuddled. And it felt like we were a couple again. The day we came home I sat in the hotel room and literally sobbed and told him that I felt like I finally had my husband back. Words cannot express how much I had missed him/us.

He was different and has been since that trip. It is probably because he had finally been able to quit the horrible job he'd been at for almost 2 years. I can't imagine the weight it lifted off of his shoulders because I know how much it lifted off of mine. I am different since that trip. I feel like we're in a partnership again. I feel like a couple and parents and not just roommates.

We are actually a really good mesh as a couple. Yes we drive each other crazy sometimes but all marriages are like that and if you tell me yours isn't I won't believe you.

I'm glad we reconnected - not just for us but for the kids as well - but I have to admit I'm scared. I don't want a repeat of the last job. I don't want him to shut down and keep me out (and vice versa). I want him back. This time for good. And my heart is so heavy and so sad knowing that I can't be with him right now.