shrinkvivor challenge week 3

We're back for Week 3 of the Shrinkvivor Challenge over at Shrinking Jeans! I'm hanging out over at Exile Island after last week's gain.

Official stats:
Joining WW weight on 9/21/11: 210.4
Challenge Starting Weight: 206.2
Change This Week: -3.9
Change for Shrinkvivor Challenge: -2.6
Total Pounds Gone since 9/21/11: -6.8

Activity towards this week's mini-challenge for exercise has been lacking this week. The herniated discs in my back are really aggravating me. My new doctor is waiting on a copy of my MRI from last summer to decide how she wants to proceed with fixing my back. Apparently there's a new laparoscopic procedure that has a quick recovery time that she is hoping I'm a candidate for in lieu of more steroid injections or the dreaded invasive back surgery with weeks, if not months, of recovery. Until then I'm only to walk and only if I'm not in pain. I do still plan to do my 5K and walk the 'hood on the 22nd. For the time being I'm resting.

i'm still here

I'm here but don't seem to have too much to say. Life is busy. So busy. Everyone was sick for a few weeks straight. We're all better now.

My daughter is still giving me a fit but I finally found the one things she hates and that has worked. Time out facing the corner in the kitchen. The first round took a whopping 30 minutes because she kept laughing at me and getting up and turning around but once it clicked, it clicked. {BIG SIGH OF RELIEF}

I had the lumbar ablation (3 shots to burn the nerves) in my back and it feels nothing like the diagnostic results. Yet. I am soooo disappointed. It might take up to 4 weeks to completely get there but the doctor still thinks this will fix me for 6+ months.

I got an iPhone. I'm in love. Yes, it's possible to be in love with an electronic device.

Today is a snow day.

My daughter would not sleep last night which means I didn't sleep and now I'm tired.

The end.

squeee!!!!

I followed-up with the pain clinic this morning and they are very pleased with my reaction to the diagnostic shots and think the injections on the 10th will do the trick and last for at least 6-12 months. YAY!!!! I am so stinkin excited, yo!

back injuries suck

After a series of 3 epidural steroid injections into my low back since July of last year, I headed back to the pain clinic today. The most recent procedure helped a lot of the leg pain that radiated down from the herniated disc but it did nothing for my low back/butt pain.

There really hasn't been much in the way of consistency as far as the pain goes. It can be really high one day and low another. Regardless of pain level, bending, running, barely kicking my leg, loading/unloading the dishwasher, picking up toys, laundry, etc. hurt. And gymnastics in my daughter's Mommy & Me class? Torture. Because she wants Mommy to bear crawl with her among other things and ohmywerd it kills me.

I went to the clinic anticipating another injection into my spine but after talking with the doctor (and agreeing that surgery is not an option at this point) we went a different route. Because the majority of the pain is all the way across my back now (where before it was isolated to the left side only), he performed a lumbar medical branch block which consisted of 3 diagnostic injections into the nerves in my low back. This was done to see if I would actually get relief from the pain. If I did get relief the plan was to follow-up with a lumbar radiofrequency ablation in about a week.

The good news is that I had a few hours of zero pain today post injection. It was an awesome feeling. The doctor told me to go home and do whatever hurts my back. I ran, kickboxed (kicked my leg high enough to hit the bridge of my husband's nose - not literally hit it but parallel with it), did jumping jacks, bent, squatted, crawled on the floor. ALL WITHOUT PAIN!!!!! Guys, this was such an AMAZING feeling.

Now, about 7 hours post testing my back is bothering me again but that's okay because I know this will work when I go back to get the full lumbar ablation done (currently scheduled for February 10th). And the good news is that it should last 6-12 months. When the new nerves regenerate in my back I may have to have it done again but shouldn't need it any more frequently than every 6 months.

My 6 year old looked at me today and said, "Mom, does that mean we can run together?" Yes. It. Does.

*happy dance*

one. more. shot.

Okay, so it's no secret that (A) my back is still giving me problems and (B) the last cortisone shot really didn't work (that was shot #3). For insurance reasons I couldn't go back to the pain clinic until this month. I've put it off long enough as the pain most days is horrible. It's odd though - Disney weekend the only day my back hurt was Sunday and that was only for a few hours. I contributed it to the really sucky bed. But I dunno. I mean I walked A LOT that weekend and my back only bothered me for a few hours Sunday morning? That (to me anyway) just doesn't make sense. I've done walking here at a leisurely pace similar to that weekend but the pain doesn't leave. I don't understand. So Thursday I go back to the pain clinic. Another shot, more tests, a different approach? I'm not really sure what to expect. I just want the pain to stop without popping pain killers.

power of one: january project #2

I keep putting this post off. Why? Because I don't want to write it. I'm afraid I'll look back on this 6 months from now and not have accomplished anything. However, I'm slowly learning that sometimes always it's just the fear of the unknown that scares me. (It's only taken me 34 years to come to this conclusion. I'm insanely bright.)

Writing down my plans and goals for my life shouldn't scare me. Sure, I may have to adjust some things along the way but without a plan I'm just hobbling along making the best of my situation instead of taking the bull by the horns and making my life the life that I want.

So what is it that I want?

Physical Goals

Conquer my back problems: May will be one year since I injured my back. I still have no idea what I did to cause it, but during my training for the San Diego Half Marathon I managed to develop a herniated disc. I've had 3 cortisone injections and while the first 2 helped relieve pain for a little while the 3rd one did not. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to have an invasive surgical procedure but what would other options be?

I know that walking doesn't bother me. Oodles of walking in Orlando last weekend proved that. Running does hurt. So my short term plan is to walk 3 days a week and do Pilates the other 3 days to build up my core and strengthen my abs and back. I'll plan to take one day off a week (either Saturday or Sunday).

This is my start. I know I'll need to readjust this at some point and make a decision on fixing my disc problems.

5K by June: This goal stems from the previous one. I WILL walk a 5K by June. I found a few this Spring on Active.com and will sign-up for one of those. I will also plan to take part in the 5K at Fitbloggin. Until I can figure out my back it will be a walking 5K. Walking it is definitely better than not doing it at all, right? Right.

Get within 10 lbs of my goal weight by end of 2011: I'll admit, this is the scariest of them all. 40 pounds is what I need to lose to get within 10 pounds of my goal weight. 50 pounds would actually get me to goal. I know this is feasible because I lost 60 pounds in 11 months back in 2003; so 40 pounds in 11.5 months is reasonable and healthy. Getting there will take some serious discipline from me though. I will need to stick to my exercise plan of walking and Pilates and I will have to keep my eating and Points in check. Daily.

Other Goals

To better manage my time: This is a really general goal but the long and short of it is I want to put myself on a schedule. I thrive on routine and having a to-do list. With no routine at all I don't feel like doing anything and/or I get so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. I have started working on a daily schedule for myself and am going to do my best to stick with it. It's actually 90% done. I need to tweak it a bit and I plan to start working with that schedule on Tuesday. (Tomorrow is a play day - movies with my kids and my nieces!)

Research alternate schooling for my kids: This one overwhelms me so much; but I'm not happy with the school we put our 6 year old in this year. I don't like the hours he's away or knowing that he's in a class full of kids with anger issues, bullying problems, etc. I get that dealing with difficult peers is part of life but I don't believe that at 6 he should be forced to deal with these things.

If I could turn back the clock 6 months we wouldn't have moved to the area we chose if for no other reason but the school system. But as it stands now we've purchased a home and this is where we are so I need to do something.

I've gotten some information from an awesome friend on charter schooling and am going to start reading everything I can get my hands on and researching this. Honestly? I don't want to go the at home route because for starters it's not easy. And the idea of tackling something so big is, well, scary. (See paragraph 1 and my phobia of the unknown.)

Another option is private schooling of some sort but the cost is prohibitive at this point in time.

Any feedback on this goal or any of 'em, for that matter, would be really appreciated.

Gracias!

so much to say

Bear with me as this post is, well, all over the place, which will give you insight into where my mind is at the moment (hint: all over the place).

I just checked and ohmywerd there are 251 items sitting in Google Reader. I'm tempted to hit "mark all as read" but I don't want to miss anything. I already missed this week's Shrinkvivor weigh-in and am now out of the game which royally sucks, yo. (And I just checked the Shrinking Jeans posts in Google Reader to link up to the weigh-in post I missed and holy cow there are 24 posts I need to read!!!)

Two weeks ago I was at the end of my rope. To be perfectly honest I was there earlier this week too. I had another cortisone injection in my back on Monday and am actually starting to feel better today (as in less pain in my back, hip, butt and leg).

The doctor doesn't think that Disney is feasible because of the time left to train. He wants me to go really, really slow. As in, walk or run 1/2 a mile, wait 4 days, do it again, wait 4 days and see how I'm feeling. I am going to start going to the Y next week on a visitor pass to see how my little one takes to the child care. I'm hoping she does well and then I can work one-on-one with a trainer to see if he/she can get me where I need to be to walk the Disney 1/2 with Karena in January. Right now that's the best I can do, which is crazy disappointing, but it's where I am. What I REALLY want to do is participate in the Sisterhood Virtual 5K starting on Monday.

I'm seriously struggling with anxiety and depression again still. Beki's post on Vicious Cycles really hit a nerve with me. It's exactly where I am daily. And I hate it. Thea gave me a gentle nudge this week and I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday morning because something's gotta give. I cannot continue to survive like this.

Speaking of "surviving", I was watching the Biggest Loser this week and Jillian Michaels said something to a girl on the black team (her name escapes me) about surviving versus fighting. Basically, this girl has lived her entire life surviving whatever comes her way when, in fact, she needs to fight. Which prompted me to tweet this:



"Why aren't you fighting? Thriving, that's fighting. Surviving is just getting by. Now: run again." - Jillian Michaels

Hmmm. I can't wait to run again. <---Words I never thought I'd think let alone say out loud.

Oh and don't miss this giveaway from Shrinking Jeans that ends TOMORROW - 2 Tickets to FitBloggin. I know. Go enter. NOW. I'll be there. And I wanna meet my girls there, k?

i am not a failure

There have been several times this week I've almost quit. Quit exercising. Quit caring. You see, I'm hurting. Physically and emotionally. Physically, the herniated disc in my back is causing me problems again. Bending, walking, doing laundry, picking up my daughter. It hurts so much. And when my body hurts my mind hurts too. My inner mean girl surfaces and reminds me that I'm a failure, I can't keep my word (re: training for Disney), that my back is now giving out on me for a 2nd time when training for a half marathon and I just must not be capable of doing it. And then she whispers, "Loser. Told you so. You'll never walk a half marathon let alone run one." And then I cry. Cry because I'm sad. Cry because I'm angry. Cry because I don't know if I can take another disappointment this year. (There have been many.)

And then as I'm organizing pictures on my computer I see this.



My 6 year old drew this for me this past Spring when I was raising money for LLS and Team in Training. He was so proud of me for running and raising money for people with cancer. Children with cancer. Families that are going through much more difficult things than a herniated disc in their back. And I realized that the pity party I'm having for myself stops now.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with Disney at this point. Another cortisone shot in my back? Surgery (God I hope not)? I just don't know. But until then I will continue to train as much as I can without hurting myself more, I will tell my inner mean girl to shut up and I will not call myself a failure. Injury does not equal failure.* Even though the voices in my head try to tell me otherwise.

*Thanks to Karena and April for the reminder.

on my mind

I have so many things on my mind right now...things that feel like at any given moment they will break me...

My son is finally starting to feel better and has developed bumps on his arms, legs and lower back. I'm hoping, praying, crossing my fingers that it's an allergic reaction to his new nebulizer meds and not chicken pox (it really looks like the beginning stages of chicken pox). I gave him Benadryl before bed. I guess I'll see what he looks like tomorrow morning.

My work load is crazy big and I am so behind on what I need to get done after having him (6 year old) sick most of last week with his asthma and then again since Sunday with the sinusitis, asthma and subsequent hospitalization.

I accidentally locked myself out of the house today. My husband wouldn't come home and unlock and go back to work. Don't even get me started on how pissed off I am about that right now. So because of time constraints (i.e. doctors appointment that I felt we couldn't cancel) I broke into my house. With a wrench. I didn't realize the 3 small panes on the right side of the front door were actually one large pane made to look like 3 smaller ones. SO. MUCH. GLASS. In the process of busting out the window a large piece of glass flew back at me and sliced my pointer finger. It took 30 minutes and lots of pressure to get it to stop bleeding. Nurse at pediatrician's office said I didn't need stitches but that it would be painful, scar and I'd probably lose the loose skin hanging from my finger. I also have no feeling in the finger from the point of the cut to the tip. Nice, huh? And the glass cleanup? Took all of 2 hours when I got home. Seriously, glass every-freakin-where.

The job that brought us back "home" sucks. That's really the nicest word I can use at the moment. My husband hates it, I hate it, he's never around and the kids and I miss him. I know we should be thankful he has a job that pays well (and we really are) but OH-EM-GEE the stress on him, our marriage, our family is almost too much to bear most days (without going into detail here on the blog).

I'm also having an issue with a family member. One that I love with all of my heart. This person is putting distance between us and our relationship is strained. Strained because of gossip and resentment (not on my part). I keep reaching out and the door keeps getting slammed in my face. I miss this person so much. I would give anything to fix it. But my hands are tied. It's impossible to defend myself against lies made about me. And it hurts my heart. So much.

baby got back

Hey, you know that song by Sir-Mix-A-Lot..."I like big butts and I cannot lie..."? Anyway, the name of the song is Baby Got Back. And while this post has nothing to do with butts, it does have everything to do with my back. And maybe my butt too since the pain was in my butt as well? Hmmm, ok.

I had my follow-up at the pain clinic a week ago tomorrow and opted to try a 2nd shot. It worked, people!!!! I actually had zero numbing down my legs when I left (I did the first time) and by the next day ZERO pain in my back. None, zilch, nada. Amazing. Now I'd like to try cortisone shots in my neck, shoulders and head. Cause my back feels SO GOOD.

You know what this means, right? This means that my slackin self since early May now has to get up off her lazy butt and start exercising again. Crikey.

fessin up

Instead of listing all of my transgressions since my last confessions post let's just go with the last week, shall we?

I have eaten cake every day since Thursday. Every. day.

I have consumed very little water.

I feel sad (although I can't pinpoint one specific reason).

I let people hurt me more than I should. I know I need to let go but sometimes that's easier said than done. Especially when said people end up hurting my children and are too self-absorbed to even see it.

And now for the good things I've done. What? You didn't think I was going to be all down and out, did ya?

The playroom has been painted an amazing blue (Ocean Sigh by Valspar pictured on the walls on this page). And the chalkboard wall is awesome. (Pictures to follow once the room is completely done with wall decals, etc.)

My oldest (the co-sleeper who then slept in a separate bed in our room) is sleeping in his own room all night every night.

My daughter is finally starting to get the potty training thing even though we still have a long way to go.

I got a lot of laundry done on Monday. As in 4 loads, yo.

I have been successfully avoiding that thing I love to do when I'm down (retail therapy). I've been sticking to what we need not necessarily what we want. Except for the playroom table and chairs I got for the kids from Target. And the hand-painted light switch cover, too. But I covered that with my money from my work-at-home part-time gig so I don't feel guilty.

I researched and now have the information to join my local YMCA. I'm waiting until after my doctor's appointment next week before getting a visitor's pass and checking it out; but at least now I have my homework done and I'm ready to go when I get the green light.

And totally off topic for this post: Speaking of the back, I'm still having problems (not as bad as before the first shot but there's still a lot of pain). It'll be interesting to see if the doc wants me to work through it or give me another injection. But hey at least I can actually do normal stuff now (swing my daughter around, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping)! That, in and of itself, makes me very happy.

it's not that i don't want to share...

I realize I have been VERY quiet about my weight-loss journey and everything remotely related. I haven't posted weekly weigh-ins or Tuesday confessions. Yikes! This really isn't on purpose. The move has been taking precedence over everything really. There is so much unpacking left to do. And painting. Lots of painting. But I am finally starting to get into a groove and plan to be back on track with posting and staying caught up starting now.

My son was actually the kick in the rear I needed when he looked at me and said, "Mom, I thought when you got the shot in your back we could start running together." Yes, that is the plan. I'm still having some pain going down my leg but nothing like before. I will see if the doc wants to give me a 2nd shot when I go back on the 20th. For now I'm trying to take it easy but I need to find a local gym in the new town and now that the temps seem to be going down (or is that just Mother Nature playing mean tricks on me?) I do believe family bike rides are in order until I get the thumbs up to start the Couch-to-5K plan again.

hopeful

Hopeful. This is how I feel this morning. I visited the pain clinic on Monday morning and received my 1st steroid injection in my lower back. I was pretty sore around the injection site but woke up this morning to NO PAIN. After doing some things (like a load of laundry and unloading/reloading the dishwasher) I did experience some discomfort but nothing - nothing - like what I've been dealing with the last few months.

At the moment I'm on restricted activity - meaning no jumping the gun and restarting the 1/2 marathon training - but I can take the kids for walks around the neighborhood and I can start on the treadmill again starting at 5 minutes and working my way up slowly. I return to the doctor on July 20th for a re-eval and possible 2nd injection depending on how I'm doing.

So yes, I'm hopeful. Very hopeful.

pain-free in 2 weeks?

Possibly. My appointment to get the injection in my lower back is scheduled for Monday, July 5th. Keep me in your prayers. While I'm super excited to finally move past this, I'm a bit nervous too...

no surgery

I received the best. news. ever. today! NO SURGERY ON MY BACK!!!! This makes me so happy.

Shown on the MRI, it appears that the problem is a bulging disc in the L4-5 area of my lower back. It's hitting my L5 nerve thus causing the pain. Apparently I have short pedicles and not a lot of room to handle any type of bulging disc. He said that if I had long pedicles I probably never would've even realized I had a disc problem. Go figure.

So with that, I should hear from the pain clinic on Monday and they should be able to schedule me within a week for a steroid injection in my lower back. Doc said I'll be sore for a few days but after that I can do normal stuff.

I am beyond thrilled. There's a chance, of course, that this won't work, but at this point there's no nerve damage and it looks like I'll be able to get through this without surgery. The injection should take care of the pain and I can resume exercising and restart training for another 1/2 marathon.

My plan to try and participate in the Disney 1/2 in January? In the doctor's own words? "Completely reasonable."

SQUEEEE!!!!!

i choose happy

I realize that for the past month I've really been down. And I know I have every right to be upset, depressed, bummed, mad and disappointed. But just because I have the right to feel that way doesn't mean I have to feel this way nor should I feel like I'm entitled to feel this way. Does that make sense or am I just rambling?

Regardless, I hate pessimism. So why am I being so ridiculously pessimistic? Ok, so I'm hurt. Ok, I couldn't attend the 1/2 marathon I worked so hard for. Yeah, it frustrates me but I can continue to dwell on it and be a big ole grump or I can get over it and move on.

I'm choosing to move on. I'm choosing to be happy. And I'm choosing to be thankful that my injury isn't worse than it is. Cause you know what? I'm still alive (although not kicking - that hurts!), I can see, I can hear, I can speak, I can walk. My children are healthy. My husband is keeping the house up as best as he can while working full-time and coming home to take care of everyone. I have a home and a beautiful family.

I choose happy.

PS: If you catch me being a Debbie Downer, please feel free to give me a quick knock upside the head. Just remind me that I choose happy. Period. And to stop sulking.

the whole story

Around early May I went out to do my 7 mile walk/run for Team in Training. I only made it a few miles and had to stop because of extreme pain in my hip. From that point forward every time I tried to exercise I couldn't. The pain was unbelievable.

I finally went to my doctor who diagnosed me with sacroiliac strain and/or SI joint sprain with a secondary diagnosis of sciatica. He ordered x-rays and sent me to physical therapy. I followed-up with him yesterday. My x-rays are good (great news) and the physical therapy hasn't helped my pain (not-so-great news). I am scheduled for an MRI on Wednesday evening. Depending on the results of that I will either be referred out to a specialist for for further treatment (cortisone injections or back surgery because he's guessing it's a bulging or herniated disc in my low back) or we start over.

I met my fundraising goal for the 1/2 marathon but I can't physically participate in it (it's this Sunday). My entire team is already in San Diego enjoying the beautiful weather and each other's company and I sit at home in Pennsylvania. The doctor and physical therapist both believed that travel would set back my recovery and I would be miserable trying to travel. I know they are right (because I am in pain 99.9% of the time) but my heart is there this weekend. I worked so hard on the training and the fundraising to not be able to be there at all and that's hugely disappointing to me.

The funds I raised are currently sitting in limbo right now. I have 6 months to recommit to a new event with Team in Training. Regardless of whether or not I participate in another event LLS WILL get the money - no worries there. The thing is I WANT to. I know so many people in my life don't get it. But this is what I was working for and I still want to do it. Depending on the severity of my back problems, I am looking at the Nike Women's 1/2 Marathon in October with Kirsten and her hubby OR the Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend in January 2011 with a few ladies from Shrinking Jeans. (I would be doing the 1/2 there as well - not the full marathon.)

Once I get my MRI and we are able to figure out what's wrong and what treatment course to take I will then be able to decide which event would work out best in terms of being able to get back on track with a training schedule.

Thank you to everyone that supported my journey for Team in Training and LLS. I am still accepting donations on behalf of LLS because unless I am physically not able to do it, I am going to recommit to another event with Team in Training in the near future.

shrinking days of summer: week 1

I weighed in on time Wednesday morning but am just now getting around to posting. I am up 3.0 pounds. Gah. I know why (injury = no exercise and depression = me eating crap). Now to figure out a game plan and tackle it head on. Just because I can't exercise until my injury is figured out and on the mend doesn't mean I can't take care of myself. And to be perfectly honest, I haven't been taking care of myself. I've let the doom and gloom of being physically broken take over my life. Enough is enough. I'm working on a game plan to get back on track. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. (Oh and for those not caught up I will be posting an injury update soon.)

don't quit

There's a poem I love. I have loved it for years. Only now as I'm dealing with my back injury and the disappointment of not only not completing the half-marathon I've trained for but dealing with several weeks of inactivity and not being able to travel to cheer on my teammates, has it come to mean so much more to me.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

-Author Unknown-

Yes, I've been knocked down. Yes, I'm disappointed. But I won't let this keep me down. I will be able to exercise again and I WILL train for and complete a half-marathon as soon as I have the all-clear from my doctor and physical therapist to start training again.

a new challenge

So there's a new challenge over at the Sisterhood - Shrink into Summer. I plan to participate - I'm just a wee bit behind. So this Wednesday I will weigh-in and go from there. I don't expect it to be pretty because my body is not cooperating post-injury and not only am I not allowed to exercise (other than what I do in physical therapy which, let's face it, doesn't count) but I'm also supposed to rest for 2 weeks. Resting is supposed to consist of no cleaning, no cooking, no laundry, no exercise and no standing for any length of time. So basically, with children aged 6 and 2, the doctor and physical therapist want me to do nothing. Ha! I know! Sooo, if I plan on doing any shrinking I best be watching what I put in my mouth, huh?