i am not a failure

8:42 PM Posted by Roo

There have been several times this week I've almost quit. Quit exercising. Quit caring. You see, I'm hurting. Physically and emotionally. Physically, the herniated disc in my back is causing me problems again. Bending, walking, doing laundry, picking up my daughter. It hurts so much. And when my body hurts my mind hurts too. My inner mean girl surfaces and reminds me that I'm a failure, I can't keep my word (re: training for Disney), that my back is now giving out on me for a 2nd time when training for a half marathon and I just must not be capable of doing it. And then she whispers, "Loser. Told you so. You'll never walk a half marathon let alone run one." And then I cry. Cry because I'm sad. Cry because I'm angry. Cry because I don't know if I can take another disappointment this year. (There have been many.)

And then as I'm organizing pictures on my computer I see this.

IMG00136-20100514-2123

My 6 year old drew this for me this past Spring when I was raising money for LLS and Team in Training. He was so proud of me for running and raising money for people with cancer. Children with cancer. Families that are going through much more difficult things than a herniated disc in their back. And I realized that the pity party I'm having for myself stops now.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with Disney at this point. Another cortisone shot in my back? Surgery (God I hope not)? I just don't know. But until then I will continue to train as much as I can without hurting myself more, I will tell my inner mean girl to shut up and I will not call myself a failure. Injury does not equal failure.* Even though the voices in my head try to tell me otherwise.

*Thanks to Karena and April for the reminder.

5 comments:

  1. Bacardi Mama said...

    You my friend are certainly not a failure. Injury does not equal failure. Remember what the Monthly Project is this month. Love you and all the wonderful things about you.

  2. Karena said...

    You are definitely NOT a failure --don't for one second think that. Glad I could be there to talk some sense into you :) Hon, if you're feeling well and make it to Disney, great! But if what your back really needs to heal properly is for you to stop training and take some serious time off, then that's what you should do. You shouldn't be in pain all the time.

    I love the picture! And I love the smile on *your* face! And when you DO complete a half, be it Disney or some other race in the future, you'll be wearing a smile just as bright!

  3. april said...

    That's more like it. You do what you can without hurting yourself and take care of YOU. Just keep telling yourself that you are not a failure because you're NOT.

  4. Casey@LoveWhatIs said...

    I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. You're not a failure. Also, I think it's important to remember that running Disney is not the only way to achieve success. It may be one measure of success, but I think you have also been successful in setting an AMAZING example for your children. You have been disciplined, determined, you have shown them the importance of exercise and physical fitness. I imagine you have also shown them that disappointments happen in life and instead of giving up, you have continued to work toward your goal. You are successful in so many of the most important ways.

  5. Brooke said...

    *big fat squeezy hug whilst being gentle with your back*

    my IMG started chattering on Saturday. I said "shut the hell up" and ignored her until she went away. its much easier than it sounds. but you have to do it immediately or else she'll get too strong.

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