i wish...

...I wish I knew why I was struggling with eating right and exercising (and how to fix it).

...I wish I knew how I could function without anxiety meds because at this moment and for some time now I feel like I'm existing not living.

...I wish I knew why I can look at myself in the mirror and say yes I love myself and believe it, but daily choose to do things (eat things) that state the opposite.

2010 has been such a difficult year for me personally but I want that to change. My doctor changed my meds and while the overwhelming sadness is gone I'm still just going through the motions. And I'm so tired of just existing and going through my daily routine. I want to really live again and feel like I'm living again. But I don't even know where to start.

the post i don't want to write...

I considered not posting. But not posting does nothing for the whole accountability thing I've gotten going on with my weight loss journey. I'm up 2.1. Ugh. I know why. It's the stress resulting from the anxiety and nightmares I've been having. (When I stress I don't typically make good choices. I know this and I'm working on doing better. I really am.)

The good news is that the nightmares stopped a few nights ago (within a day or so of writing this post). Strange, huh? My mood has greatly improved and I am starting to feel better. Yay!

I need to be more productive and focused in general (not just with the healthy living journey) so now I'm working on a plan/schedule to keep me focused on what I need to be doing daily. I've been winging it for longer than I care to admit and I know that a schedule or plan will keep me grounded and focused. And my Holiday Hoe-Down Team (8 Sisters Shrinking!) is counting on me to do just that.

listening

Looking through the screen door I capture her in a rare moment. Perfectly still.



Me: What'cha doin?

Her: Shhh. Listening for birdies.

anxiety

Anxiety attacks have taken control for the last several days. The nightmares I'm having are vivid and well, for lack of a better word, horrible. I can't even begin to put into words the sadness, fear and disgust I feel when waking up from these dreams.

People are hurting my children. I can't stop them. I wake up sobbing. And I feel hopeless. I check on them while they're sleeping several times a night. If I could hold them both close to me all night I would. But I can't. I don't want to scare them.

I don't know how to stop the nightmares. And then I wonder, are these fears valid? Am I dreaming these dreams so that I am extra cautious with everyone they come in contact with (including family members)? Nothing has happened that I'm aware of. I'm just experiencing more fear for their safety than I normally do.

Premonition or paranoia? I just don't know.

i choose me

Some Most days it's hard to choose me. It never used to be this difficult. Then again, long, long ago, when I was successful with weight loss, exercised and all that other hard stuff I didn't have little people to care for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing blame and saying it's their fault. It's not. I just need to figure out how to make ME a priority again. I already took the first step. I re-joined Weight Watchers this past week. But the daily choice to choose myself? It's tough, yo.

weekly check-in

*waving* Hi all! This is gonna be a quick FYI kind of post as I'm sitting on a conference call for work and realized I hadn't posted my weigh-in from this morning. I have so much going on in this little ole head of mine that I want need to share but it will have to weight. (Get it? Weight/wait? Totally cracking myself up here...)

Drumroll, please...



Weight at last check-in: 198.5
Change This Week: -1.0
Total Pounds Gone since 9/8/2010: 6.1

birthday letter to my little girl ~ 3

My precious little girl,

You are the sunshine in my life. Your blue eyes dance with happiness and mischievousness. Your smile can turn the frown of a random stranger upside down in a heartbeat.



You are now 3. Three years ago I didn't know how I could love another child as much as I love your brother. Any doubts I had were erased the moment I saw your beautiful face. I will never forget the moment I looked at you for the first time.



You love to read. Some days I feel like all we do is read. But that's okay. You're gonna be a smart cookie with a love for reading and that makes me happy. You love trains and dinosaurs as much as you love babies and stuffed animals. And your favorite? Mickey Mouse and happy cows. You love gymnastics and you love to dance. You will dance in circles some days for what seems like hours. We always have to have music on in the van. Most of the times it's the Chipmunks CD to which you know almost every single word. You can sing, too. I mean, really sing. I love to hear you sing along with the music when we're running around in the van.



You have a strong will and there are days when you test me (boy do you test me!) but I'm glad that you are not easily swayed. I pray that strength will carry you through your school years and into adult life with your head held high. I see you taking life by the horns and not taking no for an answer. Oh and the other kids in school? I don't see you letting them push you around at all.

Sweet girl, may I share something with you? That spunk, sass and all-or-nothing attitude you have? I wish I had it too. Maybe then I wouldn't have let people hurt me the way I have. But you? Use it. Embrace it. And take crap from no one. Because you deserve the best. Always.

I am so happy you belong to me and that God trusted me with your life. I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that. Because no matter what your choices are? You will always be my little girl.

Hugs and kisses. Always and forever.

Mommy

weekly check-in

Wow. I can't believe the Shrinkvivor Challenge is over! Of course, I disqualified myself last week by missing the check-in (gah!) but that doesn't mean I stop working at it, right? Right. So without further ado, here are my numbers:

Weight at last check-in: 199.0
Challenge Starting Weight: 202.1
Change This Week: -1.5
Change for Shrinkvivor Challenge: -3.6
Total Pounds Gone since 9/8/2010: 5.1

Ummm, do you see what I see?



Yes, 5# button, baby! And a 3.6 loss for the challenge...not nearly as great as I had hoped but dealing with a sick/hospitalized kid, being sick myself and hurting my back again, I am very happy with the overall loss. I keep telling myself that slow and steady wins the race but geez sometimes it feels insanely slow.

Oh and have you voted for the Top Shrinkvivor? There are 7 and seriously I'm not sure how ANYONE is supposed to choose just one winner...the entries are all phenomenal. Go vote, m'kay?