not perfect but worth it

So there's this song I heard the other day by Sugarland (I love me some Jennifer Nettles...). ANYWAY, it's called Every Girl Like Me. And while the lyrics to the song are about being the right fit for a partner, etc., the words that just kept sticking out to me were these two lines:

Because I am not perfect
But I know I'm worth it

And nothing else in the song matters to me but those words. Who's perfect? None of us. But we are so worth the effort - whether it's in being healthier by eating right and exercising, taking time for ourselves or splurging on a Starbucks coffee once in a while.

YOU are totally worth it.

I am totally worth it.

Let's remember this, m'kay?

i am in control

***I decided not to do an in-depth Fitbloggin recap but instead share what has happened with me since that amazing weekend. I learned so much, saw old friends and met new ones. The memories are forever etched into my mind. And yes, even THAT memory April. (AHEM)(the things I do for my friends). I will definitely go back next year. If I walked away this year learning so much in such a short amount of time I can't imagine what I'll come back with next time.***

For the first time in several years I feel in control which is ironic given the fact that everything around me feels out of control (upcoming move out of state for husband's new job being the main culprit).

I attended Fitbloggin almost 2 weeks ago (has it really been that long??? ) and was truly at an all time low with my depression and an all time high with my weight (almost anyway - within 10 pounds of my heaviest). It was HARD to go knowing that I wasn't playing the game. I'd start and stop and start and stop and start and stop again. I joined Weight Watchers a billion times. But in my head I never fully committed. I wanted to but didn't. Depression and circumstances have played a huge part in that and breaking the cycle is tough. I kept joining challenges at Shrinking Jeans and instead of being motivated I sunk deeper into the depression as I kept seeing the numbers on the scale go up. Granted I knew I wasn't doing what I needed to do to be successful but that didn't ease the guilt, sadness or the negative talk.

One theme that was prevalent throughout the conference was BE YOURSELF or BE AUTHENTIC. I was doing neither. Sure, I was me when I was chatting it up with someone on Twitter but I couldn't be real here - in this space - on my blog. Why not? It's my space. People can choose to read or not. But I never felt like I could convey it right - my feelings, where I was, etc. Instead I chose to stop talking/writing and internalize everything. Dumb, I know, especially when I am surrounded by so many awesome friends here in the blogosphere. Today the not sharing and not being authentic stops. I am me and I am awesome. I don't need to convince anyone else of this. So I will do my best to write more and keep it real. Really real. (You've been warned.)

I also chose to attend a session on intuitive eating with Katie Heddleston, Christie Inge and Karen Anderson (who swings a mean kettlebell, ya'll). I have been intrigued with intuitive eating for quite some time but as a girl who needs to lose a good bit of weight I wondered how it could actually work for me. I mean, don't I need to count Points, track calories, etc.? Maybe. But for me I realized that I need to get my head on straight first. Until I can love me for me and stop the self-sabotage nothing is going to work. So I came out of the session with the decision to stop the crazy cycle of gain, gain, lose, gain, gain, lose and just focus on not eating for comfort, eating slower, stopping when I'm full (no need to clean the frikkin plate) and enjoying what I'm eating (not just stuffing my face). When I weigh myself (I'm not ditching the scale entirely. Yet.) I will not let it define me. And in almost 2 weeks I've lost weight guys (and not just a half pound). I'm not posting the numbers because it doesn't matter at this point. But the scale did confirm that I am making better choices and I will use it only as a guide for now and not call myself names or beat myself up if the number on the scale isn't where I think it should be.

Guess what I'm else I'm doing? Making time for me. I am so overwhelmed with being a mom and life in general (as evidenced by last week's hospitalization for anxiety attacks...ugh) that I haven't been taking care of myself. Yes, I have the head knowledge that I SHOULD take care of me but I don't. That changed this weekend. I restarted the Couch-to-5K program and am doing Pilates on alternate nights. I am exercising at night after the kids go to bed because my husband is home to listen for the kids and if I'm outside it's a lot cooler (seeing as it's in the 90's during the day here).

For the first time in several years I am finally in control. I know that it won't always be perfect but I am trying. And I will keep picking myself up and starting again when life gets tough.

So thank you, Fitbloggin, you helped me to find me again! And I will be eternally grateful.

my daily to-do list

Wake up, stretch, yawn and remind yourself that you choose to be happy.

SMILE.

Shower, brush teeth, get dressed, throw on a little makeup.

SMILE.

Make your babies breakfast and shower them with hugs and kisses.

SMILE.

Don’t forget to eat breakfast, too! And while you’re at it, fill up your water bottle and take your vitamins.

SMILE.

Depending on the day, do what needs done – school drop-off, run errands, work, dishes, laundry.

SMILE.

School pick-up (if it’s a school day), after-school snack time, homework and dinner.

SMILE.

Dinner clean-up, baths, bedtime complete with silly stories, hugs and kisses.

SMILE.

Work, if you still have things that need to be taken care of. If not, relax, watch TV, read a book…do something for you.

SMILE.

Lights out at 10:00 PM.

SMILE. YOU ARE BLESSED.

i am not a failure

There have been several times this week I've almost quit. Quit exercising. Quit caring. You see, I'm hurting. Physically and emotionally. Physically, the herniated disc in my back is causing me problems again. Bending, walking, doing laundry, picking up my daughter. It hurts so much. And when my body hurts my mind hurts too. My inner mean girl surfaces and reminds me that I'm a failure, I can't keep my word (re: training for Disney), that my back is now giving out on me for a 2nd time when training for a half marathon and I just must not be capable of doing it. And then she whispers, "Loser. Told you so. You'll never walk a half marathon let alone run one." And then I cry. Cry because I'm sad. Cry because I'm angry. Cry because I don't know if I can take another disappointment this year. (There have been many.)

And then as I'm organizing pictures on my computer I see this.



My 6 year old drew this for me this past Spring when I was raising money for LLS and Team in Training. He was so proud of me for running and raising money for people with cancer. Children with cancer. Families that are going through much more difficult things than a herniated disc in their back. And I realized that the pity party I'm having for myself stops now.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with Disney at this point. Another cortisone shot in my back? Surgery (God I hope not)? I just don't know. But until then I will continue to train as much as I can without hurting myself more, I will tell my inner mean girl to shut up and I will not call myself a failure. Injury does not equal failure.* Even though the voices in my head try to tell me otherwise.

*Thanks to Karena and April for the reminder.

to my girlfriends

Many times (okay, most of the time), we girls tend to be too hard on ourselves. Critical, even. We look in the mirror and our view is skewed. We don't see what the world sees, what our family sees, what our friends see. We don't see that we are beautiful. Without makeup. Believe when you receive compliments. Be flattered. Say thank you. Accept it. Accept you. You are beautiful. Period.

Post inspired by this song:


Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are from That Guy on Vimeo.

Just the Way You Are (Bruno Mars)

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

sometimes we just need a reminder

weekly check-in: down & dirty in 30

Let's see, although I've reported in weekly with my team, my last check-in here was on August 4th. Whoops! Since then I have gained 1.2 pounds. This includes vacation time and a crap load of stress so I'm not too concerned. And this is life. I need to roll with the punches, figure out a plan and do it to the best of my ability.

As I mentioned in my last post I have problems with an all-or-nothing attitude. I need to work on this and am trying. Step 1 in my multi-phase stop with the all-or-nothing attitude plan is to take baby steps. My 1 and only baby step this week is to consume 80-100 ounces of water daily. I have 2 friends that are checking in with me to make sure I've done it (thanks Kristen and Beki!) Today I was successful with 83 ounces. I'm still trying to count my calories and get exercise in but it's not going to consume me. For this week, water will consume me and water only. And already, just knowing that I'm only *focusing* on this one thing makes me feel so much better.

On another note, my favorite post this week is Reality Check by April. It is a must-read for anyone on the weight-loss journey. Please. Go read it. And have a fabulous week!

xoxo