funny how this time is different...

He walked out the door today and I cried. Do you know how long it's been since I've cried because I don't want him to go? I honestly can't remember.

We've been married for almost 10 years and for the latter half of it we have drifted apart. So far apart. Kids, jobs, moves, life, different wants, different needs, etc. It all kept putting a wedge between us. I wondered where the man I married had gone. I wondered where the girl I used to be had gone. I wondered if we would ever be those people again.

I have never stopped loving him. Not once. But most of the time it felt like we were roommates. We didn't really fight. Except for that one earlier this year where I honestly thought one of us was going to leave.

Last month we went out of town to look for a house for yet another move (yes, I have been bitter over moving as frequently as we have; I won't lie). We went without the kids and it was nice. We spent time together, I performed karaoke in the car for him (his favorite - snort), we had real conversations over meals and we talked. We cuddled. And it felt like we were a couple again. The day we came home I sat in the hotel room and literally sobbed and told him that I felt like I finally had my husband back. Words cannot express how much I had missed him/us.

He was different and has been since that trip. It is probably because he had finally been able to quit the horrible job he'd been at for almost 2 years. I can't imagine the weight it lifted off of his shoulders because I know how much it lifted off of mine. I am different since that trip. I feel like we're in a partnership again. I feel like a couple and parents and not just roommates.

We are actually a really good mesh as a couple. Yes we drive each other crazy sometimes but all marriages are like that and if you tell me yours isn't I won't believe you.

I'm glad we reconnected - not just for us but for the kids as well - but I have to admit I'm scared. I don't want a repeat of the last job. I don't want him to shut down and keep me out (and vice versa). I want him back. This time for good. And my heart is so heavy and so sad knowing that I can't be with him right now.