i am in control

***I decided not to do an in-depth Fitbloggin recap but instead share what has happened with me since that amazing weekend. I learned so much, saw old friends and met new ones. The memories are forever etched into my mind. And yes, even THAT memory April. (AHEM)(the things I do for my friends). I will definitely go back next year. If I walked away this year learning so much in such a short amount of time I can't imagine what I'll come back with next time.***

For the first time in several years I feel in control which is ironic given the fact that everything around me feels out of control (upcoming move out of state for husband's new job being the main culprit).

I attended Fitbloggin almost 2 weeks ago (has it really been that long??? ) and was truly at an all time low with my depression and an all time high with my weight (almost anyway - within 10 pounds of my heaviest). It was HARD to go knowing that I wasn't playing the game. I'd start and stop and start and stop and start and stop again. I joined Weight Watchers a billion times. But in my head I never fully committed. I wanted to but didn't. Depression and circumstances have played a huge part in that and breaking the cycle is tough. I kept joining challenges at Shrinking Jeans and instead of being motivated I sunk deeper into the depression as I kept seeing the numbers on the scale go up. Granted I knew I wasn't doing what I needed to do to be successful but that didn't ease the guilt, sadness or the negative talk.

One theme that was prevalent throughout the conference was BE YOURSELF or BE AUTHENTIC. I was doing neither. Sure, I was me when I was chatting it up with someone on Twitter but I couldn't be real here - in this space - on my blog. Why not? It's my space. People can choose to read or not. But I never felt like I could convey it right - my feelings, where I was, etc. Instead I chose to stop talking/writing and internalize everything. Dumb, I know, especially when I am surrounded by so many awesome friends here in the blogosphere. Today the not sharing and not being authentic stops. I am me and I am awesome. I don't need to convince anyone else of this. So I will do my best to write more and keep it real. Really real. (You've been warned.)

I also chose to attend a session on intuitive eating with Katie Heddleston, Christie Inge and Karen Anderson (who swings a mean kettlebell, ya'll). I have been intrigued with intuitive eating for quite some time but as a girl who needs to lose a good bit of weight I wondered how it could actually work for me. I mean, don't I need to count Points, track calories, etc.? Maybe. But for me I realized that I need to get my head on straight first. Until I can love me for me and stop the self-sabotage nothing is going to work. So I came out of the session with the decision to stop the crazy cycle of gain, gain, lose, gain, gain, lose and just focus on not eating for comfort, eating slower, stopping when I'm full (no need to clean the frikkin plate) and enjoying what I'm eating (not just stuffing my face). When I weigh myself (I'm not ditching the scale entirely. Yet.) I will not let it define me. And in almost 2 weeks I've lost weight guys (and not just a half pound). I'm not posting the numbers because it doesn't matter at this point. But the scale did confirm that I am making better choices and I will use it only as a guide for now and not call myself names or beat myself up if the number on the scale isn't where I think it should be.

Guess what I'm else I'm doing? Making time for me. I am so overwhelmed with being a mom and life in general (as evidenced by last week's hospitalization for anxiety attacks...ugh) that I haven't been taking care of myself. Yes, I have the head knowledge that I SHOULD take care of me but I don't. That changed this weekend. I restarted the Couch-to-5K program and am doing Pilates on alternate nights. I am exercising at night after the kids go to bed because my husband is home to listen for the kids and if I'm outside it's a lot cooler (seeing as it's in the 90's during the day here).

For the first time in several years I am finally in control. I know that it won't always be perfect but I am trying. And I will keep picking myself up and starting again when life gets tough.

So thank you, Fitbloggin, you helped me to find me again! And I will be eternally grateful.