running on fumes

I debated writing this post because I don't need any more negativity in my life. There are those that seem to take everything I blog about literally and as if it was meant for them and it's not the case. I started blogging first to keep family updated on the kids (which I still do) and second because I found it a great way to let off steam, share my heart, etc. It had become therapeutic until the Negative Nellies decided to wiggle their way in to my writing therapy. And now it's not as enjoyable as it had once been which is a shame. This is the reason for so few posts and those posts that I do write tend to be more superficial. Because I'm not sharing the way I used to. Tonight that changes. Because I need to write. If I don't I will cry. And truth be told I'm fresh out of tears.

For the last several weeks I have been running on fumes. Literally. Barely able to move from one task to the next without feeling completely run down and overwhelmed. My husband surprised me with a trip out of town sans kids (to the beach - my favorite place to relax and get away). The weekend was lovely. Conversation was uninterrupted. We stayed up late and slept in (we're both night owls so this was awesome), we went to real places for food (not places that we knew would be child-friendly) and we just re-connected. It had been 7 years - SEVEN YEARS - since we have had a vacation just the 2 of us. 7 years too long.

We came home on Sunday and resumed life as usual. I picked up the kids from my mom's while he stayed home and got some things done (bills, unpacked, etc.). He gets up really early (leaves somewhere around 5:30-6:00 AM...I'm never sure of the exact time because it's so early. And yeah, I'm just then hitting my good snoozing time). He doesn't get home until about 6:00 PM so I'm used to the long days. This week he hasn't gotten home before 8. Last night it was 10. Tonight he came home long enough to eat, shower, change and go back to work. All night. IF he sleeps he'll be sleeping in his office. His office doesn't have a couch so I can't imagine it will be anywhere near comfortable. This is draining on both of us. I feel like we never even had a weekend away because it's been so crazy since we got back.

My 2 year old? Out. Of. Control. At first I thought she was testing her limits and throwing tantrums. Now I'm wondering if it isn't her meds as the doctor had her on Claritin and then Zyrtec for allergies. Several friends suggested it could be the stimulant in those drugs. Her last does was Wednesday night. Two nights ago. I haven't given her any more in an effort to see if it's the meds or her. This week I have put her in more time outs than I care to count, dealt with endless tears, tantrums and lash-outs. Today? After being hit in the leg she threw her sippy cup at me. Right in my face. Then screamed at me when I started crying because SHE thought I was mad at HER. Please, God, let it be the meds and not something else. Because if it's the meds it will eventually stop.

Add to that the fact that we promised the kids a trip to the fair tomorrow (that's the last day of the fair) and that Daddy would ride the ferris wheel with her (she wants to ride it; her brother doesn't). Now Daddy is going to be at work and I'm still taking them but I've been trying to prepare her and make her understand he can't go. And still tonight as I'm putting her to bed I get, "Daddy take me on ferris wheel tomorrow right Mommy?" And I want to cry because that's the one thing she's been looking forward to and he won't be there. And yeah I can take her on the ferris wheel but that was her and Daddy's thing. And it breaks. my. heart.

Other than the weekend away I am unable to do anything but what has to be done - feeding, bathing, clothing and playing with the kids and my work-at-home stuff. There have been no breaks, no downtime, nothing. I realize that so many moms do this solo with husbands that either travel for work or might physically be there but not REALLY be there. And then there are those super-hero single moms that I am forever amazed by. But darn it I miss my husband. My kids miss their dad. And I said something tonight that I only whispered once before. I wish we never moved back home. That's right. I said it. Why? Because the support network we had in Minnesota is still in Minnesota. I have no one that is "close". Yep, my parents and sister are here. My best friend is here. Dave's family is here. But not one of them is closer than an hour. And when you just need a break for an hour who wants to drive an hour each way to get it and end up losing 3 hours? On top of that these people have lives...my dad and mom have a large church that they pastor, my sister has 3 kids of her own, my BFF has a long commute and works out of town, etc etc etc. You get the picture. We're not established here. We have no connections. Yet. And it's hard.

I want/need to start exercising again and while most people would assume that's because of weight loss - for me weight loss is an added benefit of exercise. I do it for my sanity (or at least I used to). It's probably no wonder I'm losing my sanity since I can't get enough alone time to squeeze in 30 minutes/day. At this time it's not even feasible. It's just not. And I hate it. And it makes me sad and angry. And I am literally at my wit's end.

So there it is. Everything that's bottled up inside me and making my chest feel like it's going to explode. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not as awful as it feels. Listen, I realize it could be worse. At least I have a husband and I have a husband that works hard. My children are beautiful, healthy, and happy (most days). I see that. I know that. I'm just in a rough spot right now and wondering when I'm going to get a refill so that I can stop running on fumes.