guess what I did today?

Guess what I did today, well, besides realize it's been forever since I've posted here? I visited with a nutritionist. I. Know. Big step for Roo. But to be honest I'm tired of ignoring the obvious - that my health and the health of my family pretty much sucks right now.

Short version: My mother was just diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. My mom and I both suffer from hypertension. My dad has heart problems. My triglycerides are too high. And someone I know who is the same age as me (35) just had a major heart attack. Talk about a bit of a wake up call, huh?

So I made an appointment and off I went. I'm glad I went. I really like her. She's very easy to talk to and she's not throwing me so much information at once that I feel like it's too much to handle or that I'll throw my hands up and say "ayo gotta let go"...oops, sorry I started singing.

At this point she said that I'm not eating regularly enough and my body is confused. I can't say that surprises me. She also said I'm not eating enough during the day and overloading at night (again, no surprise) but that we can fix this.

Step 1: Keep a food journal.

Step 2: Eat 3 balanced meals a day (protein/grain/vegetable), note the time of the meal and the what, why and how much.

Step 3: Balance my caffeine ounce for ounce (my body is dehydrated so if I drink 32 oz of Diet Coke I need 32 oz of water) and drink more water if I can manage it since I've been slacking on the water.

Once I get me figured out then and only then can I pass on the good habits to my family. So that's where I am right now.

2012

Surprisingly I don't have a long list of resolutions or things I plan to do in 2012. There is one thing and one thing only that I am going to work on and that is ME. I always put everyone else's needs above mine and while there are days that I may still need to do this (sick kids, as an example), I will continue to do my best to take care of ME.

If you know me well (and some of you do) you know that I am a giver- 110%. Those that I am closest to and love get me and then some. I will bend over backwards to take care of them. But I don't do the same for myself. I've known this for quite some time but I've continued to ignore it. I'm tired of ignoring it.

The one word I have chosen for 2012 is REVIVE.

re·vive verb \ri-ˈvīv\
: to return to consciousness or life : become active or flourishing again

I need to flourish again. I need to bring me as an individual back to life. I actually started doing this over the last few months slowly but surely and am starting to feel better.

I will not be a slave to the scale.

I will stop emotional eating.

I will hydrate daily.

I will take time for me each day - some days it may only be 5 minutes. Ideally, I'd like it to be 30. I'll take what I can at this point.

I will say no to extra obligations and commitments without the guilt.

I will not allow work to take precedence over my needs or the needs of my kids.

I will love myself 100% and will not talk negatively about me to me.

I will smile. Every day.

And this is how I will REVIVE and bring Roo back to life as an individual and not as a mom, wife, sister, daughter or friend. Just me.

hey party people

Why YES I *am* still alive! I don't have much to say here except OMG I AM CRAZY BUSY. I just now caught up my October and November daily pictures on my family blog. It feels good to finally be caught up over there but I do miss posting over here. My new year's resolution is to take more time for me - physically, mentally, etc. That includes posting here at least once a week. Let's cross my fingers that I can do it for more than a month.

Have a wonderful Christmas, loves!

shrinkvivor challenge week 3

We're back for Week 3 of the Shrinkvivor Challenge over at Shrinking Jeans! I'm hanging out over at Exile Island after last week's gain.

Official stats:
Joining WW weight on 9/21/11: 210.4
Challenge Starting Weight: 206.2
Change This Week: -3.9
Change for Shrinkvivor Challenge: -2.6
Total Pounds Gone since 9/21/11: -6.8

Activity towards this week's mini-challenge for exercise has been lacking this week. The herniated discs in my back are really aggravating me. My new doctor is waiting on a copy of my MRI from last summer to decide how she wants to proceed with fixing my back. Apparently there's a new laparoscopic procedure that has a quick recovery time that she is hoping I'm a candidate for in lieu of more steroid injections or the dreaded invasive back surgery with weeks, if not months, of recovery. Until then I'm only to walk and only if I'm not in pain. I do still plan to do my 5K and walk the 'hood on the 22nd. For the time being I'm resting.

surprisingly, it's not all in my head

Disclaimer: This is going to be a different confession for me. It's very open and was very hard for me to type. Be gentle with me. My heart is heavy and I'm struggling.

I don't have a difficult life. In fact I am very blessed. Yes I've had my share of tragedy and disappointments and hardships but for the most part life is good. I survived a horrific first marriage and life as a victim of domestic violence and now am a proud survivor. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a husband that is a good provider and treats us well. I have the option to stay at home and raise our children. I have a house I adore and live in a town that I love as well.

But me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad but I'm not happy. I'm just here. Existing. I try my best to hide it behind a smile because most days that's the only way I can cope. Besides, I've been doing it for so long now that it's become normal for me. I know this isn't normal by any stretch of the imagination but sadly it's MY normal. And it's no longer acceptable. When I am always exhausted that the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I know my children need me something needs to give. When I'm on so many medications that I have to put reminders on my phone so I remember to take them and utilize one of those ridiculous pill sorters that my parents use something needs to give.

I finally found a new doctor and realized what I knew deep down for a while now. My last doctor was an idiot (and that's putting it nicely). The new doc came highly recommended by a few neighbors that use her and she gave me a complete physical and sat and talked to me for about 40 minutes. I never felt rushed and I felt like she actually cared about me and my entire well being not just shoving more pills at me to fix whatever is wrong.

I explained how I feel like I don't actually "feel" anything anymore, how I'm always exhausted, that the only reason I get up is for my kids and that I've gained a whopping 40 pounds over the last few years. I broke down and cried and told her that I feel like a failure in everything - mom, wife, to myself, etc. There are things that I should be able to "fix" (at least in my mind I should) - like getting dinner on the table most nights (which I seriously struggle with) and other things that for most people are simply what they do every day and it's not hard but for me it has been hard and IS hard. She looked at me and said, "Honey, you can't fix it. It's not in your head, it's your meds." And then she proceeded to explain that this medication makes your mind foggy and this medication causes excessive weight gain and this medication makes you feel numb and you're too young to be on all of this (I'm 35). She then smiled and said, "You WILL feel better. I promise. We're going to fix this."

Some meds I need to be weaned off of, others have been stopped immediately and today some of the withdrawal/changes I've experienced have been pure HELL and my nerves are shot. I literally broke down and sobbed in my husband's arms because I'm so overwhelmed but I'm confident that I WILL get better, I WILL feel again and I won't be so numb to everything around me.

I follow-up with her in two months and in two months I hope to feel somewhat better because at this point I will take ANY improvement I can get.

not perfect but worth it

So there's this song I heard the other day by Sugarland (I love me some Jennifer Nettles...). ANYWAY, it's called Every Girl Like Me. And while the lyrics to the song are about being the right fit for a partner, etc., the words that just kept sticking out to me were these two lines:

Because I am not perfect
But I know I'm worth it

And nothing else in the song matters to me but those words. Who's perfect? None of us. But we are so worth the effort - whether it's in being healthier by eating right and exercising, taking time for ourselves or splurging on a Starbucks coffee once in a while.

YOU are totally worth it.

I am totally worth it.

Let's remember this, m'kay?

shrinkvivor challenge week 2

And we're back! Week 2 of the Shrinkvivor Challenge over at Shrinking Jeans! I will lay it all out here - I had a bad week. From Friday-Tuesday I didn't watch what I ate and the scale showed it on Wednesday with a gain of 1.3 pounds this week! Very disappointing for me but how can I be upset when I know what the reasoning behind it was? Because of my gain I was lowest % for my team so I have been moved over to Exile Island. And you know what? I'm okay with that. My team - Team Pink - AKA the Pinkbury Dough Girls - is an amazing group of ladies who didn't make me feel less than for my not-so-good week. And in past challenges or life in general when I screw up I give up. Not this time. As Ann (LOVE ANN!) texted me this evening - "...this isn't for prizes it's for health!" And you know what? Isn't the biggest prize of all being healthier for me and my family? For me? Absolutely. So yes I gained. Yes I'm okay with it. And yes I'm back on track this week. And it's a great place to be mentally.

This week's physical challenge is exercise minutes again - time devoted to exercise specifically. So I will be working on that and continuing to keep track of my foods and staying within my daily Points Plus target for Weight Watchers. I did well in the exercise department last week going from zero to 195 minutes which is substantially less than some but an improvement for me.

This next week will be better and I will keep plugging away. I'll check in with you again on Wednesday.

And this? When I'm feeling down I remember this. I will not let the number on the scale define me any more. It's not worth it. I am worth more.